On my way to donate blood. Because, you know. I need more room for Captain Morgan.

8 Things Every Blogging Writer Should Know —  http://tinyurl.com/ar2ewge  (@chrishiggins @writersdigest @chucksambuchino)

I love when people's Yahoo avatars are completely ridiculous. "Oh, you lost 50 lbs and explore ruins in your free time? In heels? Awesome."

My husband's grinding his teeth so hard in his sleep you almost can't hear me fashioning a shiv from the end of this toothbrush.

Counting the rings in the cat hair on my pants. I'm 467 years old.

I like how we have a president who can say "nuclear."

Give a man a fish and he'll be like, "WORST GIFT EVER!" on his blog and the whole Internet will know it was you. You suck.

My to-do list just wrote a suicide note.

Book of Eli and a bowl of cereal on Saturday night. This is how all the cats will find me.

There's a special place in hell for people this sloth-like. I just hope I don't have to take the stairs or something to get there. #fb

Dear Universe: please don't let the woman with the mullet cut my hair.

California plates on the car in front of me read OMGMOVE. This lady and I understand each other, y'all.

In Walmart. Just saw a baby with a mullet.



REPEAT: I JUST SAW A BABY WITH A MULLET.

Patrick Stewart should do voice-over work for Stephen Hawking.

The best part about being sick at work is making sure everyone else is sick at work next week.

Whenever anyone starts a sentence with the phrase "life is like a", I like to finish it with a throatpunch.

Getting ready for work. Put on a concert tee, then remembered--oops! big meeting this afternoon. So I ripped another hole in my fishnets.

Twitter suggests I follow Weight Watchers. I suggest Twitter shut its stupid mouth.

I've lost 30 pounds this year. Currently I'm celebrating by drinking unsweetened iced tea and starving.

My daughter is singing All the Single Ladies. Only she's saying "I'm a singer lady." If she does the dance, we're going straight to YouTube.