You know what's funnier than watching a Jeff Dunham ventriloquism act? Everything.

Nope. Someone just posted a picture of a dead person's hand from a funeral they are currently attending, on facebook. Nope. Noooope.

Someone start disassembling Romney.

I want to kick that undeservingly smug smirk off of Ian Somerhalder's face. You're on The CW, you prick.

I'm going to pretend to be really excited for people going to Comic Con, instead of being bitterly jealous and spiteful like I really am.

There are people camped out at this movie theater waiting for Transformers. #lookatyourlife #lookatyourchoices

omg, did anyone else witness someone using a fucking disposable camera after the debate? These undecided voters are hill people!

People with awkward outgoing voicemail messages, you know you can re-record those, right?

@so_rudez are those fucking houses tattooed on her back? Thick white women with pasty skin should not have tats. They just shouldn't.

@kingbry7 You got my vote, and by vote I mean I spelled out your name in maple syrup on a moose's back.

I thought that Katy Perry 3D concert movie was a joke, a really unfunny joke.

Since leaving Disneyland, I have learned that any place that isn't Disneyland sucks ass.

This guy was in front of me at the comic shop wearing floods, a Joss Whedon shirt, and a satchel. Stereotypes! http://t.co/iuzx6EY

Stop planking.

@i_keisha How many times can this motherfucker twitpic a Buddha statue? You still fucked at least 4 extras, asshole!

@ussoccer_wnt props to us soccer for making the women's centennial game just as important as the men's. Haha, just kidding.

Whoever taught my family how to group text can eat a gun.

@kingbry7 I'm going to track him down. Which Chili's does he work at?

Angela Lansbury has conned just about everyone from our department into taking her out to retirement lunches this week. Try me, old lady.

Now I get why @kingbry7 is so (rightfully) in love with himself. Exercise makes you vain. I couldn't be more in love with myself if I tried.