i cringe when i hear that 4-note piano riff in l.a. noire. the one that let's you know you're a dumb cop.

i've come to the realization that my brand of situational humor doesn't work that well on twitter.

favstar should give out participation awards, like those trophies kids get for not shitting themselves while playing t-ball.

my mom asked me what a rusty trombone is... what the actual fuck!?

mom always said i was a late bloomer, but i'm beginning to think that i'm that little retarded bud that never quite opens up all the way...

best thing about having a king sized bed is that i can leave my unfolded laundry on one side while i sleep on the other. #foreveralone

my life has just been a series of blown opportunities, punctuated with missteps and social ineptitude...

if you've never almost ruined your phone because you were watching porn on it in the shower, we have different morning routines.

when i don't tweet for awhile, i lose followers. when i tweet, i lose followers. what a pickle...

i'm tweeting this because i don't want to talk to the person i'm standing next to waiting for an elevator...

is it too early to hate?

my smart phone has tuned into nothing more than a mobile porn device...

if twitter has taught me anything, and i like to think it has, it's that i am a god because i can successfully fold a fitted bedsheet...

writing people off is one of my favorite past times, also most likely the leading cause of my loneliness.

twitter trap 149: following someone only to later realize they were uncharacteristically funny.

if your abs are visible and you didn't have to work at it, fuck you...

this chick is trying to break the record of most ignored texts sent... #GetTheHint

i have so many mediocre jokes, i just can't seem to tailor them to the constraints of a tweet...

if you're the kind of person that reaches over the sneeze guard to point at what you want added to your burrito, fuck you...

i really gotta stop skimming your tweets. i end up altering the tweet, crafting a retort, only to realize that i'm retarded...