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welp its 3 minutes before i have to leave for work so this is when i get dressed
The nicest art in my apartment is a post-it on the wall in my kitchen that says, "Get it together."
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
chameleon magician: for my next trick, i will disappear
chameleon teen in the crowd: HE JUST BLENDED IN WITH THE CURTAIN
10 YEAR OLD ME: Alright, snow! I hope I get a snow day!
24 YEAR OLD ME: I'm probably going to die on my commute tomorrow. Everything sucks.
someone trying to dramatically storm away but they have to go up a spiral staircase
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color...is it...gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
"Sir do u know why I pulled you over?"
"Because you want to take me to dinner officer?"
"No, god no...well, unless you want to?" [Giggles]
To all the people my age who regularly travel: how do you have enough money to even leave your house
*airplane makes really loud noise*
*pilot on intercom* what the fuck was that
I like Rachael Galiffa.
Did you know the oscar is named after Oscar Meyer because each statue is filled with bologna? And that's your Hollywood Minute™
[holding crying baby]
Um how do you put it on vibrate?
fav if you're hot
my "jokes" are doing "great"
21yo Christian dude studying things at Purdue. RA @ Hawkins Hall. Cycling noob. Soccer fan. INTJ. Pre-PA. p3