ok genie, my first wish is to get back everything i've ever lost *i blush and bloat as several pints of old blood materialize in my veins*

a tortilla chip nibbled into the shape of the indian sub-continent is too a good anniversary present

hey whats up *fumbles around in the dark* whats everybody doing tonight *bumps into furniture* gimme a shout later *tumbles down stairwell*

Oh jesus. Biggest bug larvae i ever encountered. Just about to puke here: pic.twitter.com/7zsIaxfc

*hunkers down @ eye level w/grandkids* did i ever tell yall of the time i looked at this guy's fb & his gf's real name was seriously "Beige"

leave yr dirty pots+pans out overnight on the lawn, slugs come and eat the caked-on mess, then next day you hose the slugs off. good to go

started my new job today, scurrying out across a dirtbike course at inopportune times. pay is good but bikers are rude + do jumps on me

grubs, spores, chaff, whey, dregs, roe, silt, burrs, lint, mesh, gel, serum, dander, grit, loam, mist, smoke, gum, sap, slime, ink, worms

page 1 of my resume just says "I've got the skills to splay the gills" in 30-pt font & i haven't been turned down for a fish-gutting job yet

ALLEGEDLY punched a coatrack and now im legally obligated to write letters of apology to all the coats involved

*wallows in filth in a sexy way*

a definitive list of the filing systems by which my papers are organized: 1. stacks 2. piles 3. heaps 4. drifts 5. dunes 6. ziggurats

mentions? favs? rts? better get to the posting lab pronto! *goes behind couch +pretends to walk down stairs* *sound of a beer can opening*

#waystomakesexawkward notice a stray dog wandering around outside the window and become deeply concerned for its welfare

if we were playing scrabble i would congratulate you on your 35-point-turn, but this is a busy street and im sorry this driving test is over

shar_pei_shih_tzu_chow_chow_and_pekingese_puppies_take_a_dump_on_the_american_flag_in_unison.mpg

not gonna ask why the boss has me driving downtown with this dumptruck full of dead horses. just glad to be working again

RT if you can't sleep & you're rustling+rummaging around in bed like an earwig in some rolled up old tarps

Haha no sorry i don't really care for pets. these dog beds are for my personal use

There are many areas on a lady for which you must seek her permission to handle; the armpit is not one of these. Get on up in those bad boys