@abigvictory's (MC Thumbtack) most faved Tweets...
Sometimes I am so pleased with myself.
And then I get the "no masturbating in your cubicle" lecture again.
And then I get the "no masturbating in your cubicle" lecture again.
Favring tweets with typos is like saying "You have toilet paper hanging out of your pants, but we love you anyhow."
During the course of today I had Excedrin, Theraflu, DayQuil, Robitussin, Triaminic, NyQuil and a conversation with Benjamin Franklin.
You can wish in one hand and shit in the other. Then you'll wish you didn't shit in your own hand. And there goes your wish.
"I closed it and didn't save."
"You can restore it."
"How?"
"Just go into control panel, under Leprechaun Magic."
"I hate you."
"You can restore it."
"How?"
"Just go into control panel, under Leprechaun Magic."
"I hate you."
15 minutes into spontaneous living room floor sex, hot breath on your ass reminds you that while the kids are out, the dog is still there.
"Side effects may include constipation or diarrhea."
So what you're saying is I may or may not give a shit.
So what you're saying is I may or may not give a shit.
If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your Facebook request I'd have enough to buy a real farm.
At a 4 year old's birthday party. Or, the place where childless couples confirm they made the right decision.
"My son's leaving Yale to go to South America for a year to tutor poor kids.""Whatever. Mine finished Call of Duty 2 in two nights."
How'd my day go? My coworker was singing Never Gonna Give You Up all day. I WAS RICKROLLED FOR EIGHT FREAKING HOURS THAT'S HOW MY DAY WENT.
And we'll mark this Christmas Eve as the one in which my son uttered the words "anal beads" in front of the whole family.
Apparently "Your breath smells like you've been engaging in oral assplay with skunks" is "hostile" and HR wants me to have a seat over here.
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