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of no consequence @abnormlme
My cat just walked over and unplugged my phone charger. I think I just experienced an intervention.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
I've never gotten a ToTD and I'm not as followed as most but I have had sex with another person so that beats like 3/4 of twitter, right?
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of no consequence @abnormlme
Maybe if we made birth control illegal more people would try it.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
My neutered dog just dry humped a Teddy bear so both are now getting more action than me.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
Saw some really big boobs on my TL. Fortunately there was a big face and huge arms to balance out the effect.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
"take me down to cellulite city where the ass is big and the grass is sweaty" please, take me home. Um, yeah.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
And one day I too will learn how to use my breasts and have many followers to not be funny for. A girls gotta dream.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
So anal's totally acceptable when there's a cold sore and orals out, right? So why does he whimper every time I strap my cock on?
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of no consequence @abnormlme
Hello fanny pack, stretch pant, black Velcro top reebok woman. You are a true ninja of bad fashion. I dub you Tacky Jan. Hai.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
For an appetizer I'd like the left side of the menu, with a diet coke.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
I prefer a topless bar over full nude. If I really want a crabfest I'll hit up a Red Lobster.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
My dog always licks your hand before sniffing your ass because I raised a gentleman.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
As long as we are being honest, you should know the only reason I keep you around is because I can't lick my own ass.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
I get all excited when I see mail that maybe, just maybe I said something funny. Then I get a coupon for chili's. Everytime.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
I spent 10 minutes star fucking. That's as close to the real thing I'm getting this morning. Unless I sit on that mystery object again.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
I have to turn all my stuffed animals around when I have my "alone time". Guess I'm not much of an exhibitionist.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
I'm more like a turkey than a horse in the respect that I better be dead before you try and stick your fist anywhere in me.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
Fuck you 3 inch spider who just crawled out of my bra!!! If I had a gun I may have shot my tit off. As it is I need a change of clothes.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
After reading my TL tonight I feel like I should be paying by the minute.
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of no consequence @abnormlme
Puking in an automatic toilet could probably be considered torture.
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@abnormlme

walmart greeter in training

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