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My cat just walked over and unplugged my phone charger. I think I just experienced an intervention.
I've never gotten a ToTD and I'm not as followed as most but I have had sex with another person so that beats like 3/4 of twitter, right?
Maybe if we made birth control illegal more people would try it.
My neutered dog just dry humped a Teddy bear so both are now getting more action than me.
Saw some really big boobs on my TL. Fortunately there was a big face and huge arms to balance out the effect.
"take me down to cellulite city where the ass is big and the grass is sweaty" please, take me home. Um, yeah.
And one day I too will learn how to use my breasts and have many followers to not be funny for. A girls gotta dream.
So anal's totally acceptable when there's a cold sore and orals out, right? So why does he whimper every time I strap my cock on?
Hello fanny pack, stretch pant, black Velcro top reebok woman. You are a true ninja of bad fashion. I dub you Tacky Jan. Hai.
For an appetizer I'd like the left side of the menu, with a diet coke.
I prefer a topless bar over full nude. If I really want a crabfest I'll hit up a Red Lobster.
My dog always licks your hand before sniffing your ass because I raised a gentleman.
As long as we are being honest, you should know the only reason I keep you around is because I can't lick my own ass.
I get all excited when I see mail that maybe, just maybe I said something funny. Then I get a coupon for chili's. Everytime.
I spent 10 minutes star fucking. That's as close to the real thing I'm getting this morning. Unless I sit on that mystery object again.
I have to turn all my stuffed animals around when I have my "alone time". Guess I'm not much of an exhibitionist.
I'm more like a turkey than a horse in the respect that I better be dead before you try and stick your fist anywhere in me.
Fuck you 3 inch spider who just crawled out of my bra!!! If I had a gun I may have shot my tit off. As it is I need a change of clothes.
After reading my TL tonight I feel like I should be paying by the minute.
Puking in an automatic toilet could probably be considered torture.