Spanx: Because the brand name "Gut Bra" just wasn't quite sexy enough.

Sometimes it's easier just to dumb it way the fuck down so you can relate to other people.

Lighting a scented candle totally counts as cleaning.

Posting drunken Facebook photos looks cute at 21, but when you're pushing 30 it starts to look a whole lot more like alcoholism.

I'm wearing sunglasses in the store because buying tampons and a 15lb brick of chocolate is a fuckin' covert operation.

I miss the 90s when it was acceptable to dress like a stoned lumberjack.

Marriage: The original fight to the death.

The handicapped stall: Because I'm worth it.

Threading a string through this Do Not Disturb sign and wearing it as a necklace is probably the best idea I've ever had.

Fuck this. I'm moving to Candyland.

Extortion: Because robbery is too hard and begging is for losers.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack, bitches. Because legends don't die. And neither do cockroaches. Wait, what?

I rub Vaseline on my shoulder so the angel slips right the fuck off of there.

Fuck shallow people. I like my friends off the deep end.

Life goals: Be a good person, find Bigfoot.

My general rule of thumb for women's figures is: if your boobs stick out farther than your gut, you're good.

Cleavage: Because every girl needs a backup purse.

Your trophy wife is more like a participation ribbon.

" I read that on TV!" -Fox News viewers

I like how Wal Mart smells like gunpowder mixed with Spam and clinical depression.