You're 6 yrs old, don't tell ME "this is a Michael Jackson song"

@ptcruiserusa that would make a pretty fun level for a video game about I don't know

@tw1tterdick I hope it's me instead

@rare_basement @dudehugs I'm so glad that you're in my state, and in the nice part and not the creepshow part that will make you run away

@mikedrucker she is a major babe, hottest person to inhabit the White House since Babe-raham Lincoln

@parishilton I refuse, but thanks anyways

@randeezydogge you'll turn into a dark bird. that's what happened to the dark bird you were trying to scare away. it was once human too.

@seanvandaleyes can I be honest with you? My skin is only Instagrammed blue. :(

veteran of the Office Thermostat Wars

I remember when I thought Lil B was a parody account.

@jennyandteets you made my iPhone catch fire :(

I'm big in Russia

Yo, someone on Instagram just took a picture of their pet... Check that shit out!!

Tomorrow I return to Alabama, where 2/3 of the population looks like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man

I wish I was a dude so I could cross-dress as a lady

You can tell you're my close friend if the only thing I ever text you is "sup guh" or "sup mane"

Bitches need to stop having themed parties. Go back to the days where the theme was always "getting fucked up".

@iamenidcoleslaw your page's background makes me love you.

@thatsnotkosher and I've never, met, anyone, quite like you before, with so many damned eyes

My son needs to learn which James Cameron DVDs are ok to fuck with. Hint: It's the ones I DON'T own.