I'll take "Dysfunctional people on Twitter" for 600, Alex.

My followers are abandoning ship faster than that Italian cruise ship captain.

I would never recommend buying a used car from one of you guys.

If I had a nickel for every time I was called "normal", I'd have a dime.

I don't mean to be rude, and sorry for interrupting your conversation, but could you get that stroller out of fucking way.

If your tweet is "over my head", I'll go ahead and star it since your obviously more intelligent than I.

No ones referenced that they are going to "move like Jagger" in over a week now. And that scares me.

Sure, there's some loneliness associated with being a bachelor. But the fridge is always stocked, and the bathroom's always open.

Wearing her perfume to remind you of her.

Some tweets are really disgusting. Some tweets are extremely gross. But the tweets about your fucked-up life are the tweets I love the most.

I wish I was smarter so I could trick some not so smart people into doing what I want.

When egged on by someone to try something new and adventurous, my reply is always "You go first".

Tell a girl she's sweet even if she's not interested. She'll appreciate it, and maybe keep you in mind in the future.

My next invention is going to sell for 19.99 and include a free Shamwow.

I just had a big argument with my wife......I'm not really married, I just wanted to see what it felt like to say that.

Madonna is trending. Must be something she did in the eighties.

You know that typical Walmart customer that so many of you love to describe ?........ Look at me,,,,,,,,I'm him !

Go to see the new "3 Stooges" movie ? I'd rather you dropped hot rivets in my pants.

When she said "I want you now!", my eyes lit up, until I realized she was talking to the guy behind me.

Never said you were ugly. All I said was that Bulldog looks damn good sitting next to you.