Every time I see a guy wearing flip flops, I want to hit him with his purse.

@jaysreallife Papa John's already said they'll be cutting jobs thanks to Obamacare. Good luck at ColdStone though. @miller51550

@wingmanbiz Isn't it true that after sex if I can walk to the kitchen, he doesn't deserve a sandwich?

I will sleep better knowing @wingmanbiz is back on the twitter. Now, someone tell those cunty feminists to go make him a sandwich!!

Hey #Chicago @colinkane will be coming to town July 23rd - 28th to the @chilaughfactory. Guaranteed funny. Check him out!

I have begun to wonder if I could get away with posting pics of people in my work building. Some of them are better than pics I take on CTA.

"Lose? I don't lose. I win! That's my job. That's what I do."

Nothing takes away the blahs like a perfect warm shower. Feeling so much better now.

I don't care what a guy does for work but, if he sends me an email saying he is a "wherehouse worker", it is pretty much conversation over.

Saw a 10 y/o in an Ed Hardy jacket today. This is why we can't have nice things, America.

Siince @ainttellinshit went and got a real job, I've been missing her tons :(

Sometimes I find yelp useful. Like when a no talent ass-clown has a page for his shitacular photography business.

@jordyhamrick Alcoholism...

Not telling you how to do your job @colinkane, but there's a guy w/ a handle bar mustache sitting in front of me.

Attention Fat People on scooters: You're on a scooter because you're fat. You're fat because you're on a scooter. Take a walk, fatass.

Dear Seau Mourners, He didn't cure cancer. He played football. If you didn't personally know him, knock it the fuck off. Love, Rationality

Damnit arrest that Zimmerman jackass already so the sheer stupidity in my timelines dries up and dies.

"Bring me some fried chicken, bitch."- Text from the Fed. My response? "You must be a high motherfucker. Get your own fried chicken, BITCH."

Anyone that truly knows me, knows that I solve all of my problems with violence. Because that's the only permanent answer that works.

Sitting on the train and this chick's hair is so filthy you can smell the dirt on it.