You're a winner in my book. My creepy book of winners.

I like to go to art museums, stare at paintings for a long time and then blurt out, "Oh, it's made of paint!"

If I think I'm about to be fired I put on the birthday party hat I keep in my drawer so it looks like they're firing me on my birthday.

Got thrown out for using my sock to filter the pulp from my OJ. My date stayed inside the restaurant so I guess that's over.

I don’t support violence, but one time I beat an old man with a salami after he said I had “nice birthing hips.”

Real traditional marriage is between a 13 year old girl and the wealthiest man in the village.

The best thing about being a farmer would be telling your ugly kids to go play in the corn.

My old job didn't allow pet snakes at the office, so I started my own firm. Call 1-800-SNAKE-MASTER for all your accounting needs!

Covered my eyes and mouth with tape to protest the government and then I fell down two flights of stairs.

I still use fax machines to send important messages. Like the other day I tossed one through a competing shop owner’s window.

Just opened a jar for my cute next door neighbor. She'll probably thank me when she gets home.

I don't forgive, but I do forget and I do forgive.

I guess the Fire Department won't let you join if you start wheezing while filling out the paperwork.

"I got this bullet wound after I caught myself cheating at solitaire." - Toughest Dumbass in the West

Thought I was sitting next to a baby on the train, but it was just my stomach spill-over.

If Stephen Hawking opened a jar of pickles right now, it would be the most amazing thing he ever did.

There should be a "retweet" button, a "favorite" button, and a "hey are you ok?" button.

I know you're on a diet so I took all the chocolates out of the box and put in soggy oats. Happy Valentines Day.

Carpeting my driveway.

Gonna go to the park with bread in my shoes and pretend birds really like my choice in footwear.