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I ran 4.3 miles with 3 big hills in 30:27 today. Wait, this isn't Facebook - I mean I sat around without pants eating mayonnaise from a jar.
The best part about having an autoimmune disease is being able to walk in traffic without fear.
If women would talk as dirty to their husbands as they do with strangers on Twitter, I bet we could cut the divorce rate in half.
Today I gained a crush, was told I'm gay, that I have a small dick, and that I fucked my mother, so yeah, I think I'm doing Twitter right.
At Olive Garden. The waitstaff told me I would never be good enough and I'm a loser, so I guess when you're here, it IS like family.
I like to yell "I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES" at the full-grown carrots in the supermarket.
TIP: If you put your weight in at 900 lbs on the treadmill you will burn thousands more calories during your workout.
My mechanic said I'd blown a seal and I wondered if he had been to Sea World at the same time as me.
I'm convinced that smoke detector beeping due to a low battery is how shooting sprees begin.
Holding my daughter's hair back while she pukes in a trash can outside of a grocery store achievement UNLOCKED!
The "Please Come Again" sign at this restaurant didn't mean what I thought and long story short, I'm banned from Sweet Tomatoes nationwide.
Ever stop to consider the series of events that must have happened to lead to the origin of the last name "Dickinson"?
As I looked down on my beautiful daughter sleeping peacefully this morning I couldn't help but think, "Holy shit you've been expensive."
The problem with politics is that ultimately, you're voting for someone who wants to be a politician.
CURRENT STATUS: Trying to figure out how I went from raging against the machine to being a cog in it.
If my daughter was any more emotional today, she would be Glenn Beck talking about how much he loves America.
I wish I knew how to quit you, Twitter.
