I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty.

Penn State has known for like 6 months now that Kristen Stewart was cheating on Robert Pattinson.

Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

So much of my life is online. It scares me that people might use all that information about me to be really, really bored.

It's not a coincidence that people who wear Bluetooths everywhere are also the people that no one ever calls.

I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.

Really, most of your problems in life can be traced back to that time you didn't learn magic.

Thanks to the Friday the 13th movies, I no longer trust anyone wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete.

Time traveler jokes are *so* next year.

I feel much safer having a loaded gun pointed at me than I do sitting under a wobbly ceiling fan.

If you ever see me throw myself from a moving vehicle, just assume Creed came on the radio.

A good way to stand out from the competition at a job interview is to bring your resume on a floppy disk.

A lot of people are giving Kristen Stewart a hard time for being a terrible girlfriend. But don't forget she's also a terrible actor.

Sure hope my obituary doesn't say, "The last thing he Googled was 'how to put a pin back in a grenade.'"

Just got thrown out of Subway for trying to pose nude for my sandwich artist.

If science has taught me anything, it's that I'm pretty bad at science.

Canada would probably be the best country if it weren't for all the other countries.

If you're not gonna make shampoo mohawks, then what's the point of even showering?

You're right, I'm so lucky to get to park in handicapped spots. Here's a list of all the other perks of being in a wheelchair:

Thanks to Cyber Monday, I no longer have to leave the house to buy everyone on my Christmas list nothing.