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I can't decide if I like Danny DeVito more in Batman Returns as Penguin or on Jersey Shore as Snooki. Is there any role this guy can't play?
It really sucks when you're about to fall asleep and you see a centipede in your room and you have to get up and move out of the state.
You know what they say: Once you go black, you're a single mom.
About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
It's cool when you're at the mall with a girl and she "just needs to stop in a store for a second" and you end up moving in and dying there.
And then, I had to sobbingly confess to my dietician that I ate my food journal too. :(
Hey Rihanna, if finding love in a hopeless place is anything like eating alone in the Arby's bathroom handicapped stall, we should talk.
Where in the world did black guys get the idea that Gone in 60 Seconds is the sequel to Knocked Up?
Whatever, real friends don't judge each other's needlessly complicated fast food orders.
Does this chloroform smell funny to anyone el
Remember girls, 3 meals a day keeps the cute boys away.
Sometimes your tweets are so funny that I star them in my head and verbally RT them later because comedy is hard and my whole life is a lie.
Paranormal Activity 3 wasn't even THAT scary.
Now, if someone can give me a hand turning on every light in the city, I'd like to go to bed.
Trust me, I'm probably like 10,00x worse at math than you are.
I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.
Me: I'm just saying, you only get to see Danny's room in one, MAYBE two Full House episodes.
Waitress: That's great, we closed an hour ago.
Just drove past a gym and had to pull over to catch my breath.
There are two types of people in the world: People who'd stop whatever they're doing to watch Spaceballs and hey! Spaceballs is on! Cool.
How many failed IQ tests does it take to become a die hard NASCAR fan?
If Twitter has taught me anything, it's that if you're not the most attractive one in the bunch, you better strive to be the funniest.
instagram: adamallday DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH