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It really sucks when you're about to fall asleep and you see a centipede in your room and you have to get up and move out of the state.
About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
You know what they say: Once you go black, you're a single mom.
It's cool when you're at the mall with a girl and she "just needs to stop in a store for a second" and you end up moving in and dying there.
And then, I had to sobbingly confess to my dietician that I ate my food journal too. :(
Remember girls, 3 meals a day keeps the cute boys away.
Does this chloroform smell funny to anyone el
Hey Rihanna, if finding love in a hopeless place is anything like eating alone in the Arby's bathroom handicapped stall, we should talk.
I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.
Where in the world did black guys get the idea that Gone in 60 Seconds is the sequel to Knocked Up?
Sometimes your tweets are so funny that I star them in my head and verbally RT them later because comedy is hard and my whole life is a lie.
Whatever, real friends don't judge each other's needlessly complicated fast food orders.
Just drove past a gym and had to pull over to catch my breath.
Me: I'm just saying, you only get to see Danny's room in one, MAYBE two Full House episodes.
Waitress: That's great, we closed an hour ago.
Paranormal Activity 3 wasn't even THAT scary.
Now, if someone can give me a hand turning on every light in the city, I'd like to go to bed.
Trust me, I'm probably like 10,00x worse at math than you are.
I'm sorry, you guys. I accidentally dropped some silverware into my garbage disposal and now Skrillex has enough material for 7 new albums.
There are two types of people in the world: People who'd stop whatever they're doing to watch Spaceballs and hey! Spaceballs is on! Cool.
Girls, never take your boobs for granted; without them, guys might actually start listening when you talk and you'd undoubtedly die alone.
Hot Tub Salesman / Life Coach and aspiring high school dance chaperone
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