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"Just tattoo this Ed Hardy shirt on my arms." - Adam Levine
The Pope saw his shadow, six more weeks of pope jokes.
Maybe I can be your USB device, girl. Plug and play. Wait, hold on, we have to install these drivers. Wait, why isn’t this recognizing?
More like the FAKE Housewives of Orang--OH GOD I'VE WASTED MY LIFE.
I want to read that letter from the Netflix CEO, but I bet it'll just end up sitting by my TV for months and then I'll send it back unread.
Twitter needs a "Sarcastically Retweet" button.
Religious people just knocked on the door and gave me a magazine and now I believe in God, I guess.
I was at 7-11 earlier and they have Hangover 2 branded 5-hour-energy drinks and I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Found out at the dog park today that my dog is a bottom.
"She friended me on facebook! How was I supposed to know?!" is a great thing to hear someone yell as they're getting beat in a bar fight.
So far neither of these candidates are showing me what I really want in a President: a clear understanding of how long two minutes is.
It must have sucked to be Edward Scissorhands--to be late for something, but to just have to keep walking at a safe pace.
Ask your lover to marry you in the blizzard, man, that’s called a propsicle. You’re welcome.
Sick. Drunk. Listening to Tupac. Writing about elves and murder. Monday.
Get it, guys?! That Warm Bodies movie is like a metaphor. We're like all zombies when it comes to love. ALRIGHT BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.
Last night I parked my horse in a bad neighborhood and a bear killed it. #Skyrim
Episode 7 is just a bunch of galactic senators demanding to see Luke Skywalker's long-form birth certificate.
Writer and Filmmaker. Former gametester at Nintendo. 1st employee at Cheezburger. I kind of live at Meltdown Comics. I am the Hunter S. Thompson of LOLcats.