"Just tattoo this Ed Hardy shirt on my arms." - Adam Levine

The Pope saw his shadow, six more weeks of pope jokes.

Maybe I can be your USB device, girl. Plug and play. Wait, hold on, we have to install these drivers. Wait, why isn’t this recognizing?

@therealcliffyb banks are evil. I keep all my DLC under my mattress.

More like the FAKE Housewives of Orang--OH GOD I'VE WASTED MY LIFE.

I want to read that letter from the Netflix CEO, but I bet it'll just end up sitting by my TV for months and then I'll send it back unread.

Twitter needs a "Sarcastically Retweet" button.

Religious people just knocked on the door and gave me a magazine and now I believe in God, I guess.

I was at 7-11 earlier and they have Hangover 2 branded 5-hour-energy drinks and I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Found out at the dog park today that my dog is a bottom.

"She friended me on facebook! How was I supposed to know?!" is a great thing to hear someone yell as they're getting beat in a bar fight.

So far neither of these candidates are showing me what I really want in a President: a clear understanding of how long two minutes is.

It must have sucked to be Edward Scissorhands--to be late for something, but to just have to keep walking at a safe pace.

Ask your lover to marry you in the blizzard, man, that’s called a propsicle. You’re welcome.

Sick. Drunk. Listening to Tupac. Writing about elves and murder. Monday.

Hey guys, my new video game web series "Dear Videogames" has launched! Watch/Share/Follow/Subscribe/Hire Me/Etc. -  http://www.dearvideogames.com/ 

Get it, guys?! That Warm Bodies movie is like a metaphor. We're like all zombies when it comes to love. ALRIGHT BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.

Last night I parked my horse in a bad neighborhood and a bear killed it. #Skyrim

This crazy Kobe Bryant fan is my new favorite thing: http://t.co/VUhDTgVK

Episode 7 is just a bunch of galactic senators demanding to see Luke Skywalker's long-form birth certificate.