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Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.
I smashed the ceramic Jesus from our nativity set when I was 7 but my mum didn't get a new one so every year it looks like we worship a farm
If I was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire today with all 3 lifelines and the question was "What day of the week is it?' I'd take the money.
It must have been very risky for pirates to slightly burn all the edges of their treasure maps and then dip them in tea.
I'm literally the ONLY person on this train!! This is so weird! pic.twitter.com/mLyMgF0MgS
My housemate is on a date & said he's convinced she's 'coming back' tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
To cheer yourself up, when reading any newspaper headline, imagine it is followed by the phrase "with HILARIOUS consequences!"
When I'm asked if I want my cappuccino to go I say 'No I want it to stay where I can see it!' & they laugh because I'm a paying customer.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Just seen a boy put far too much Dairy Lee on his first 3 dunkers. Ha his last few are gonna be so shit.
I find it arrogant of Google to always boast about how many results it just found, so I always respond with 'Yeah? well I can feel love'
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press 'Recently Dialed' & the name of your crush will appear!
My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.
Was practicing my crying-face in reflection of train window until I noticed a man at the platform thought I was trying to tell him something
I imagine when the horses find out who's running in the Grand National each year it's like when the names are chosen in the Hunger Games.
Comedian and writer
