Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.

Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 83 ceiling tiles in our meeting room. And 8 light fixtures, with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

• I've spent
• The whole day
• In a meeting room
• Watching PowerPoint presentations.
• I hope
• This isn't permanent.

Stand up, the toilet flushes. Wave a hand, the faucet turns on and the paper towels eject.

I know I'll never be a Jedi. Let me have this.

If you enjoy seeing 50-year-old billionaires pay 25-year-old advertisers to mislead frightened 75-year-olds, have I got a democracy for you.

Today, Apple is announcing to the world that millions of baby boomers still don't know how to rip mp3 files from their record collections.

Forgot to bring my phone today. Have you tried this "paying full attention when people talk to you" nonsense? It's incredibly boring.

If this Vietnamese restaurant were any more authentic, we'd have to go up to the roof and take a helicopter home.

There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.

Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I'll go explain health care reform to the cat.

After we spend billions on security and good governance in Afghanistan, can we move there? You know, for the security and good governance?

Purina vomit on the carpet today. By now, the cat must think his name is "Fuck You." That's why he purrs whenever I use Microsoft Office.

Anyone want to join my liberal militia? No guns or anything -- we just go out in the woods and feel guilty about stuff. It's fun.

Haven't figured out this hotel shower head. I just looked up while shampooing and waterboarded myself. I provided no useful intelligence.

5-year-old, hearing comedian on TV: "What's a 'douchebag?'"

Me: "No, he said 'juice bag.' You know, like Capri Sun."

5yo: "Oh."

Whew.

Now hold on. Some guy had a flying saucer balloon or something?

Bear with me. You see, I'm employed.

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli

"CNN: Reading Twitter To Old People Since 2009."

Fond as I am of Obama, I think Beyoncé's music video has done about as much for world peace. I hope someone points that out.