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Just ate 54 McNuggets and puked a perfect floor map of the original TJ Maxx.
I can't wait to get married so I can trick my stupid wife into thinking I bought "delivery" pizza.
Congrats to my favorite movie Real Steel for winning Best Picture, Best Screenplay, Best Fucking, and Most Coolest Punches at the Oscars.
Happy Groundhog Day!!! (just kidding you fucking idiot)
Seeing family for the third weekend in the past month. I've taken to answering all questions with "Oh I'll be judged in the end, I'm sure."
Stop/Drop/Shut em down/Open up a vintage shop/Or maybe a craft shop/Or what about a fancy pickle shop?//Whoa/No/Watch my small business grow
I write raps about airports because I am terminally ill.
If LMFAO wins a Grammy, Skittles commercials should be allowed to compete in the Oscars.
I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING except spiders and one-on-one conversations and any kind of success oh fuck
I'm glad Axe came out with a "For Her" body spray, because girls can be douchebags too.
To the greatest Mom ever: answer your fucking phone so I can wish you a Happy Mothers Day.
Ghostwriter was a runaway slave. I REQUIRE NO MORE NEW INFORMATION TODAY.
Unless you've seen me pat the grease off my pizza, you have NO IDEA what sensuality can be.
I don't necessarily "want Dunkin Donuts" so much as "hate myself".
oh shit I thought a hipster was a big bendy straw from your mouth to all the gogurts in your jeans pocket. when did that change?
Making fun of everyone having a podcast is the new actually having a podcast.
I swear to God, Deb. When I planted these dandelions it spelled "Marry Me". Anyway, will you Murdershit me?