a horse walks into a bar. an elephant walks into a library. a lion walks into a hospital. it’s been five years since the last human vanished

shoutout to social anxiety but very quietly and while no one is looking

freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

I ain’t sayin she a gold digger...but she did move west to california in 1849.

hello, k€sha? are you there? kes#a? kesh@, your fa+h3r and i are very worried about you. please call. love m0m

the people at gatorade have no idea what fruit tastes like but are pretty good at figuring out how colors taste

whoever came up with the idea of using baseball metaphors for sex just boobed it right out of the penis butt balls

what if daft punk took off their helmets and were actually the candlestick and clock from beauty & the beast. would u still like them

bringing flowers to the hospital is like “hey watch this other thing die”

*at hospital naming baby*
we're sorry, username "jacob smith" is already taken. suggestions: jacob_69 smith, 666jacob.smith, gwarp.

i'm sorry mrs jackson --
i am four eels

♫ hey now / you're a dog star / who's a good boy? / go play ♫

i have a beard and a flannel shirt how can i tell if i'm in fleet foxes or not

one of the worst things someone can say is that you "look like you're good with computers"

allow me to slip into something a little less comfortable *slides into social situation*

YO WHY ISN’T THERE A MEDICINE FOR ALL THE TIME JUST CALLED QUIL

*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit

dammit dog’s been using my phone again pic.twitter.com/yY1d2mw9

“that’s me in the corner.”
- r.e.m. explaining how facetime works

@iamenidcoleslaw pic.twitter.com/3jpy5IQE