I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I think shorts should be longer than your vagina.

I'm scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

I'm sorry girls, it's much harder to make a man laugh, than to make a man hard. Put that in your whore pipe and smoke it.

Seen 10 different bios with "vagina owner." Is that..do we..am I supposed to register this thing? Is there a form I should have filled out?

I let friend's kid call my ex & say "Are you really my daddy?" while I'm in the background yelling "hang up the phone,he doesn't want you!"

Hey 500 lb lady in the tube top,daisy dukes, and rebel flag hair scrunchie...........save a little dick for the rest of us.

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I'd say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it's the saddest tiny rodeo you've ever seen.

I wish I loved anything as much as middle aged white women love sharing pictures of words written in sand.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I'd be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Mom:"Thanks for not being a skinny whore." Me:"No problem. Thanks for not leaving me in a dumpster." How are we not in soup commercials?

I have no patience for people who aren't completely delighted by me.

Would anyone like to come over for some fancy nachos? They're just like regular nachos, but I leave my pants on.

After sex I won't be making you a sandwich. I'll be gently rolling you out of my bed with my foot, wishing you success in future endeavors.

On a scale of 1-10 how pissed will my Mom be if I go through her check book and write "for a bag of dicks," in every memo section?

If you wake someone up saying "wakey wakey eggs and bakey" there better damn well be "eggs and bakey" or shits bout to get real.

My preferred method of birth control is awkward & chubby.

When I go a strange place alone I always hear the voice of Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries saying "on the last day of Angie's life..."

What's with drawing the eyebrows on so high? Are you expecting some surprising news and planning accordingly?

shhhh, you had me at "some fries spilled out into the bag, do you want them?" You had me.