Anyone know where I can trade-in my hard-earned cynicism for my long lost naiveté?

Fruit Loops are jus gay Cheerios.

You are what you almost tweet.

If a Tim tebow prays in the forest, and Jesus doesn't care, do the Broncos still win? #tebow

My life consists of the 3 things lately: work, work & thai food. Wish I could trade out the last 1 for sleep...or sex.

If you cum in my eye again, I will rip your fucking knob off.

I'm Rick Perry and I'm basically Jesus.

My sleep number is 69.

How many bananas is too much? Is 5? ... Yeah, I know. Damn.

"Mommy, my peepee is like a balloon." -My nephew to my sister. #thankyoubabyeinstein

@getoffendedbone first tweet to ever gross me out. Congratz! You deserve a star and to be punched in the ball-bag.

@nicmccool they all taste terrible. You are going to want to lick your ass to get the taste out of your mouth.

RT “@maddy_michelle: Homeless people- also known as ultimate hipsters”