Thanks to Facebook places for not mentioning that I was at the strip club all day Just kidding, they're closed today. You know, for church.

The number of MILFs at this Little League baseball game is disappointing.

A Canadian drive-by probably goes a lot like "I'm soooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy."

If you're driving and there's no one in front of you, but a huge line of cars behind you. You, sir, are an asshole.

Whoever decided to put ping pong balls next to the alcohol is a marketing genius

If you so and think about how unsanitary beer pong is, you're far too sober to be on my team

Yesterday I went to the magical Wal-Mart and I saw an elderly man toss on a helmet and try to jump into the side window of his Buick.

having a onesome on my couch.

Sources claim that Osama Bin Ladin and Anne Frank have now tied in hide-n-go-seek

You ever sneeze and in the process of moving your face to your hands, you hit your head on a wall? I missed workers comp by a hair.

My basement flooded and my friends' first question is "Can we turn it into a pool party?"

The soul purpose for me to want a business card is for the free meal drawings.

Finally. I got the new twitter. Now, time to point out things I hate about it.

I didn't go to my politics class today. But I'm watching The Daily Show, so there's that.

Yesterday kids ran up too their dad in the grocery saying"I know why you're mad. Everybody forgot your birthday!" - I starred it.

A Facebook Advertisement just asked me if I wanted to look like Mike The Situation. Darwin, what happened!?

"Where did my hangover go?" Said no one ever.

Remember as a kid how quickly the beef jerky DO NOT EAT package became a dare?

Spent most of Christmas Eve Mass pretending to know the words to songs and scoping out girls I'd still bang. Merry Christmas everyone!

My god, I almost completely forgot that Michelle Branch exists. My day will probably move on as it was