Hey! If I cancel my gym membership I'll have an extra $40 a month to spend on cheeseburgers!

Sometimes, when I'm too lazy to get up and turn on the light, I write in my journal by the light of my iPhone, just like Anne Frank.

Just helped a lady named Phyllis Gillis at work. She was a real c-word but I let it slide cause she was raised by abusive parents, probably.

A good rule of thumb is up for good, down for bad.

The time changed today? NOT ON MY WATCH.

Oh my gosh, @riderstrong is in San Francisco! Now is the time to fulfill my middle school fantasy of STALKING RIDER STRONG.

Reason #241 Why I Love The Hives: Their stagehands dress as ninjas.

Hey dudes who like girls who "call them on their bullshit": that's bullshit. So we gonna make out now or what.

All I want for @dboz's birthday is for @keshasuxx to follow him!!!

Also, why do we care about what a chicken place thinks! Does Taco Bell want to weigh in on Syria? What's Wendy's opinion on abortion?

Just FYI, this is a really condescending way to start a sentence.

Wait a sec, my friend plans this cruise with me and her parents then "gets sick" at the last minute? Sounds like a set up to me! #threesome

Plan a cruise with your friend & her parents. Friend gets too sick to come. Spend 12 days with her parents pretending it's not weird.

At first I was really timid about using all this Spanish I know, but now I just walk right up to folks and confidently ask "¿HABLA INGLÉS?".

I saw this dog on the street today. I liked him right away. http://t.co/LXN3js6e

@lesterhalfjr I had no idea it was possible to make a dinosaur even COOLER!

Been in Brooklyn 5 days and this is our first time into the city. Not a commentary on Brooklyn vs Manhattan, more a commentary on laziness.

White people movies are all "give me back my son". Black people movies be like "give me back my groove."

I've been sitting in this bathtub a Margot Tenenbaum length of time.

I implore any journalist covering the homeless men murders to consider titling their article "Hobo No Mo'".