@aedison's (Avery Edison) most faved Tweets...
It's 2009. If your hotel doesn't have free WiFi, it better be because the signal pisses off the free unicorns you give to every guest.
Ugh. Toilet backed up. Called a plumber, but all he did was kill my turtle and eat all my flowers.
His paycheck is in another castle.
His paycheck is in another castle.
It's really hard to say some things with a straight face. For instance, "honey, I'm having a stroke."
You know social media has gone too far when all your Christmas presents have twitter integration.
Sent from my ugly sweater.
Sent from my ugly sweater.
After years of research, I have concluded that Americans know precisely two British cities: London, and Narnia.
I'm not an expert, but maybe you'd have more luck finding Carmen Sandiego if you didn't keep assigning *children* to the case.
I know that you need to support the baby's head or else it'll flop back. But I also know that I really want some Pez.
Becoming born again because your life sucks is like covering up one tattoo with a bigger tattoo. That is annoying and talks about Jesus.
So YouTube is gonna stream 1080p that nobody will be able to watch. There's a metaphor in there somewhere, but right now it's buffering.
This library is great! Free WiFi, comfy chairs, complementary snacks. Little low on books, thoug-
Wait. I think I'm in someone's house.
Wait. I think I'm in someone's house.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Wait, I confused "love" with "being white, middle-class, and male."
If I were a prisoner on death row, for my last meal I'd ask for scrambled dodo eggs and saber-tooth tiger steak.
Served on a unicorn.
Served on a unicorn.
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