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  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Gift @afbradstone Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 2,613
    • FAVS
    chives121grantgriesel666kayraiMrMooGertroxaroodwtmoswoleBurds_1WTF_MYOB
    • 1,096
    • RETWEETS
    chives121aria_bubariaElizaStetMrMooGertS_W_A_73roxaroodwtmoswolewalkingbad420
    KyleMcDowell86EliHansenMusiciamjeffsloanWhatevaConcflashemberPaperWashbromanconsulBarryVonAwesome
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    [me as a simple country lawyer]
    Seems to me
    *snaps suspenders*
    OW MY FUCKING NIPPLES

    • 1,242
    • FAVS
    AndyHFXCpin42ICountBeanssmavisritafarrowgeorgiasmith_xrobomousecopAmburglar_ABisqueToDieFor
    • 531
    • RETWEETS
    robomousecopwhitehiphopcopjordanrdooleyMrMDMaloneyPfeifferHeidilimehalloweenjacorsedatedandcalm
    blood_orphan
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.

    • 750
    • FAVS
    Cpin42KerfuckusBurds_1stephanie_krassLMFOFLpunmagnateKimJongSeanjakob_huber
    • 469
    • RETWEETS
    LMFOFLRHadrienSaalHassanFrenulumBreveTheAlexNevilfavstar_historyTheRealRHBdtipson
    FrenulumBrevejefftminston
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge

    • 682
    • FAVS
    Kevin_Thomsweaty_pajamasFalishFishjayscarbluejmhughesDGo81JulesinRealityRoyalJackass
    • 312
    • RETWEETS
    Kevin_ThomCoffeePleaseNowmidnightsnaxxtrash17boatjmhughesjohnpwashburnmandoe182madiswanarena
    berger2323
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    "At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."

    • 689
    • FAVS
    ReallyfamoussBLG216caiteejanejunkyardigankatsuyakyokoDatowneStelfairmmgowdey
    • 236
    • RETWEETS
    BLG216guy_someone69wolvesshmolvesHopeHeaddenTeflonJon__MalloryCoyleTOSHPOINTBROdanixperez_
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED

    • 654
    • FAVS
    kanedanielTLchDer367DeluxiansTheAlexNevilTheRealRHBRobbi123TheCoosmanfalloutboyisbad
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    vocalfriesTheAlexNevilTheRealRHBMattRuppelallenbrochill68hashtagbluntsTheWillieCoxJrHob__Goblin
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City

    • 654
    • FAVS
    sporknporkJonDaddyMooreGlamVulturePSBStarsdrhappyknucklesBlinkiPikanedanielsfreeze6
    • 160
    • RETWEETS
    drhappyknucklestoomanytoesErnieMcKrackenblanco_basuraDahFahQusayFreedomTrain417dieatithe_carter12
    danjan13DanielRCarrilloLHGarrett
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.

    • 621
    • FAVS
    RebeccaMcDadeWybackwastakenPSBStarsPauldo86lindsayleliveltJakWitsideeyebobsweaternshorts
    • 161
    • RETWEETS
    toomanytoesTungstenKneecapBethanyImmoorSamReidSaysHarassedMe3DprintedpizzaGladdyBearandypatton
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit

    • 580
    • FAVS
    ICountBeanssParrtyCatBurds_1ChrisPittsleyHuber138ewfeez_robriesling_Holliewithan_ie
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    sideeyebobtoomanytoesbuhsbaby_babyfuzzlimepopcorndudespathammergirlDanielRCarrillonamedafternuman
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

    • 467
    • FAVS
    _2punk4u_CliffordPeytonWybackwastakenJuliaEckardtandydeffloskiiAmyLou452PSBStars
    • 156
    • RETWEETS
    pizzahut1061CliffordPeytonWybackwastakenlissaCNPSBStarsdanfairnocarepdxpigjohnpwashburn
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Ah, water; faucet vodka, the snowman's jism, creek syrup, jism of the clouds, nature's Fresca, hose jism

    • 467
    • FAVS
    CliffordPeytonWybackwastakenAlex_The_Loweandydeffloskiisweaternshortstoomanytoeskanedaniel
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    WybackwastakentoomanytoesTurtles816TheTimmyToessomecleverthingOldUlyssesakayschneiderPrivate_yum
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    *does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*

    • 426
    • FAVS
    Alex_The_LoweandydefapopagasmtoomanytoesHiddenPinkyriley_foxsporeguyafroonding_loom
    • 148
    • RETWEETS
    toomanytoesfroonding_loomyerpalmildsauceberger2323Porn_n_ChickenSilverBadgerHaibai23mannion_nate
    ewfeez
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.

    • 358
    • FAVS
    Burds_1Reallyfamoussemilypittfancaiteejanekatsuyakyokoiseelucidlyseanferdtahirisunrider
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    woundedbeercanLoganamjdarya_deeguy_someone69sasquatchin1EuropaIuroNotDavidKricharddoomed
    endlesstunnels
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    "My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.

    • 401
    • FAVS
    homphblomphnonoathbreakerSaulJRosenbearsophvargoBenjyHimmeljay_jdavisrebenjamintkylerselby
    • 118
    • RETWEETS
    homphblomphCWMarkwellrobb_iekairakawaiiacoolwetsackRow_Boat_CopmaxeastonSamiAvigdor
    Manda_like_wine
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    My wife just asked me in all sincerity what mansplaining means *takes sip of disgusting $19.00 microbrewery IPA* Well,

    • 361
    • FAVS
    behindyourbackforever90sboyErroneousJuanTheDairylandDoncogentanalysisCalmTombsplitpeaandhamvladchoc
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    leilalaplantemaritimexpatamykate75mirikuincognitoTheMontresorKrilll_phong3djaunty_julie
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"

    • 327
    • FAVS
    Alex_The_LoweNuttyCollegeMomtoomanytoesCpin42ICountBeanssReticentTurnipTheRealRHBMrsTomServo
    • 74
    • RETWEETS
    beaterbarkertoomanytoesTheRealRHBcurthopkinsManda_like_wineFloreousPFitzpadreamthievin
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    BRAIN: That is not a Wendy's. You will be ritualistically murdered in there
    TUMMY: Spicy chicken sandwich pic.twitter.com/bs8R694jOZ

    • 288
    • FAVS
    lolispatsVladHammertannermarshSamKin74WhatevaConc_BlueEyed_DevilBestWifeEver4Mindless4Miles
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    Mindless4Milesmidnitesocmeghanalbert23xelrachthefailedstateowensmikeringlingmotheruhmcanwenot
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    *I walk in bruised and bloodied* You should see the other guy; great hair, winning smile, lovely eyes, can't take a compliment, nice smell.

    • 269
    • FAVS
    Alex_The_LowevakatiesdseanyeattssnarkynelsonJakWitevlbzltyryerpalmildsaucetoomanytoes
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    yerpalmildsaucetoomanytoesTheRealRHBrim_bodsomecleverthingFavstar250NickConsIrlTree
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Pre-1971 Starburst flavors:

    Red=rhubarb
    Yellow=yolk
    Pink=flesh
    Orange=thalidomide

    • 253
    • FAVS
    Phydeaux_Manda_like_wineNavajoallstar10Whoopdeedoo22JermHimselfishfalloutboyisbadDanKCharnleymysteryspoons
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar250TCLiddellprettygoodyeardentedsaxVestaTot__bobtikinicoolnotebookFlintRamble
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Foghorns for my leg friends, leghorns for my, I say, leghorns for my fog frie

    • 230
    • FAVS
    kanedanielBurds_1speknycrutik_sTheRealRHBducksbacktooKattsDogmarealmrkimbell
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    speknycTheRealRHBbombsydollTheWoodenslurpyTheGrimKingGlennmandirectBucketEMrsTomServo
@afbradstone

@afbradstone

creator of Sex Muesli® and Sex Muesli® with raisins

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