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Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.
"At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."
RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge
Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.
Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City
Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit
*does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*
Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.
"My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.
A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"
*I walk in bruised and bloodied* You should see the other guy; great hair, winning smile, lovely eyes, can't take a compliment, nice smell.
Pre-1971 Starburst flavors:
Foghorns for my leg friends, leghorns for my, I say, leghorns for my fog frie
*stumbles into an open grave* "Eh, fuck it." *gets comfy* *dies*
You read my tweet, your thumb hovering over the star icon. You read it again. Your thumb quivers slightly. "No," you whisper, and scroll on.
A Kickstarter for a Vine of me going to each of the Seven Wonders of the World and doing the jerk-off motion in front of them.
Have you ever even rented a room
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