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[me as a simple country lawyer]
Seems to me
OW MY FUCKING NIPPLES
Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.
Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge
Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City
"At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."
RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.
Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit
My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom
Ah, water; faucet vodka, the snowman's jism, creek syrup, jism of the clouds, nature's Fresca, hose jism
*does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*
Pre-1971 Starburst flavors:
Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.
"My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.
My wife just asked me in all sincerity what mansplaining means *takes sip of disgusting $19.00 microbrewery IPA* Well,
A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"
[watching a program about WWII]
"I would have been a hero in that"
*burns roof of mouth on yogurt somehow*
*I walk in bruised and bloodied* You should see the other guy; great hair, winning smile, lovely eyes, can't take a compliment, nice smell.
creator of Sex Muesli® and Sex Muesli® with raisins
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