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  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Gift @afbradstone Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 2,646
    • LIKES
    andrew_cotteezombieiteDavePelnafightforfoodSnigdha_RaiCHANIMAL_santaclousevakatiesd
    • 1,101
    • RETWEETS
    DavePelnaSnigdha_RaiSeannyboy100adecentteasierra_lylenoplaneson911Tierno158SamiAvigdor
    damakattackKyleMcDowell86EliHansenMusiciamjeffsloanWhatevaConcflashemberPaperWashbromanconsulBarryVonAwesome
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    [me as a simple country lawyer]
    Seems to me
    *snaps suspenders*
    OW MY FUCKING NIPPLES

    • 1,573
    • LIKES
    gothicaseas_maria_digiestrella1568charrmandercorinalaurennbrittneysierra9nikkiskowronBrohamulet
    • 620
    • RETWEETS
    sarahpachutaBroganstrawhatgale_dilliamflacciidtripbrittneysierra9genhernandez3n0cturtlenikkiskowron
    blood_orphan
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    ME (brilliant, incisive): [posts tweet encapsulating the tragic absurdity of the human condition]
    YOU (erudite, discerning): Ha ha ha, yes

    • 1,139
    • LIKES
    merrynestorfrenchfettywapTheBookofEliWSerenaZhu1excusethegoosenimaminatorsurefirecapsswimmingingrey
    • 395
    • RETWEETS
    merrynestorcah_rahhjdrisc96TheBookofEliWjade_unofficialJacobkuppbeccabeitrisnorah_om
    wife_housy
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.

    • 757
    • LIKES
    jessokfineimdaintyafRealRedRosswife_housyCelebrityCheztherealeatwoodmeganshpettitadvantageperf
    • 471
    • RETWEETS
    RealRedRosswife_housyLMFOFLRHadrienSaalHassanFrenulumBreveTheAlexNevilfavstar_history
    FrenulumBrevejefftminston
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge

    • 739
    • LIKES
    imdaintyafwife_housyKimchiBreathkaufmanickellandrewsPAanna_vanaCelebrityChezsarahwilkes
    • 321
    • RETWEETS
    wife_housyKimchiBreathMikedeciccothecaribbeaneminmienScottyRayJTeabs1984TheJimIsALie
    berger2323
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City

    • 798
    • LIKES
    bradbonettethebaconerscootbartley5729drenophastonBrandyBeanHinkechvveeOutLikeABandit
    • 188
    • RETWEETS
    BrandyBeanHinkeGaelenCMSelctrc__blnketRealRedRossTeabs1984TheMillerEffectRobertManchildGregStimmler
    danjan13DanielRCarrilloLHGarrett
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    "At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."

    • 693
    • LIKES
    jessokfineVic_SvaporubCpin42CelebrityChezmeganshpettitReallyfamoussBLG216caiteejane
    • 236
    • RETWEETS
    BLG216guy_someone69wolvesshmolvesHopeHeaddenTeflonJon__MalloryCoyleTOSHPOINTBROdaniperezx
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED

    • 657
    • LIKES
    jessokfineryanmulhallRealRedRosswife_housykanedanielTLchDer367DeluxiansTheAlexNevil
    • 245
    • RETWEETS
    RealRedRossvocalfriesTheAlexNevilTheRealRHBMattRuppelallenbrochill68hashtagbluntsTheWillieCoxJr
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.

    • 623
    • LIKES
    RealRedRosswife_housyVic_SvaporubRebeccaMcDadeWybackwastakenPSBStarsPauldo86lindsaylelivelt
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    RealRedRosstoomanytoesTungstenKneecapTwits_GigglesSamReidSaysHarassedMe3DprintedpizzaGladdyBear
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit

    • 581
    • LIKES
    Cpin42ICountBeanssParrtyCatBurds_1ChrisPittsleyHuber138ewfeezrobrickle
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    sideeyebobtoomanytoesbuhsbaby_babyfuzzlimepopcorndudespathammergirlDanielRCarrillonamedafternuman
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

    • 468
    • LIKES
    jessokfine_2punk4u_CliffordPeytonWybackwastakenJuliaEckardtandydeffloskiiAmyLou452
    • 156
    • RETWEETS
    pizzahut1061CliffordPeytonWybackwastakenlissaCNPSBStarsdanfairnocarepdxpigjohnpwashburn
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    *does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*

    • 451
    • LIKES
    EvilRoySladeDS_____dingoNaoiseDolanJKALittleMikey__YekimlowericonBarroldBondsArmy_of_Peeps
    • 150
    • RETWEETS
    ___dingoJKALittlecubsphan76ManuclearBombTheWoodenslurpyjoelforsythDeanPappas2EarlofBuffalo
    ewfeez
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Ah, water; faucet vodka, the snowman's jism, creek syrup, jism of the clouds, nature's Fresca, hose jism

    • 476
    • LIKES
    JohnMarkowitzlonelysandwichIanWearsPantsDiscountdraculatweetingmartyklickitatstreettjbehanzoo_cop
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    meganshpettitWybackwastakentoomanytoesTurtles816TheTimmyToessomecleverthingroykoech_akayschneider
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Try growing bigger watermelons, idiot pic.twitter.com/FmPKm9FLm4

    • 445
    • LIKES
    ccwozniakShaneTroutman1Fresh_Coffey__qtureskijoel_todmegorodrigoChloeSehatililymclachlan
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    mehosaurusIsaacHether10MarleySansomreignbadourangistanziking_janesBrownRylleymentholsushi
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Pre-1971 Starburst flavors:

    Red=rhubarb
    Yellow=yolk
    Pink=flesh
    Orange=thalidomide

    • 402
    • LIKES
    Cpin42kla2brtanik2jillianvancuraScorpionDongfrankenfine_pseudotastica_andrewfallonDJDadMCMom
    • 123
    • RETWEETS
    applecellarFather_Dankins__Zora_d_1991ColinJonsonthe_gwallaLordJolanHalleyGerberfumigator110
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.

    • 358
    • LIKES
    Burds_1Reallyfamoussemilypittfancaiteejanekatsuyakyokoiseelucidlyseanferdtahirisunrider
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    uglydoormat__Loganamjdarya_deeguy_someone69sasquatchin1EuropaIuroNotDavidKricharddoomed
    richmondxdxj
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    "My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.

    • 404
    • LIKES
    jessokfineRealRedRossCpin42homphblomphnonoathbreakerSaulJRosenbearsophvargoBenjyHimmel
    • 118
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    homphblomphSuper_Conzorobb_iekairakawaiiacoolwetsackRow_Boat_Copmax___eSamiAvigdor
    Manda_like_wine
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    My wife just asked me in all sincerity what mansplaining means *takes sip of disgusting $19.00 microbrewery IPA* Well,

    • 363
    • LIKES
    BackalleyBettyRealRedRosstherealeatwoodbehindyourbackforever90sboyErroneousJuan__TheDairylandDoncogentanalysis
    • 70
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    RealRedRossleilalaplantemaritimexpatamykate75mirikuincognitoTheMontresorKrilll_phong3d
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"

    • 327
    • LIKES
    Alex_The_LoweNuttyCollegeMom__toomanytoesCpin42ICountBeanssReticentTurnipTheRealRHBMrsTomServo
    • 74
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    beaterbarker__toomanytoesTheRealRHBcurthopkinsManda_like_wineSeutsiPFitzpadreamthievin
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    [watching a program about WWII]
    "I would have been a hero in that"
    *burns roof of mouth on yogurt somehow*

    • 343
    • LIKES
    Cpin42therealeatwoodRevBigBabyHueyWrongoutloudMKUltra_violetYabbaDabbaDoNotchevinthedudeFattMernandez
    • 55
    • RETWEETS
    jamesformbyWomonologue__MrJeanJohnOhRatherryaneatscakephaserstopun__ulneaburnettski92
@afbradstone

@afbradstone

Wife buys me treats at Trader Joe

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