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Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.
Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.
*stumbles into an open grave* "Eh, fuck it." *gets comfy* *dies*
Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.
A Kickstarter for a Vine of me going to each of the Seven Wonders of the World and doing the jerk-off motion in front of them.
We poke a little fun at Whole Foods on here, but I gotta say, sometimes it just feels good to spend $473,000 on a shitty onion.
Give a man a compliment and he'll feel good for a day, teach a man to fish for a compliment you guys probably don't like this tweet do you?
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the men's restroom, or as all these ladies are loudly calling it, "the women's restroom."
"If you liked my dick, wait til you see my inventory of certified pre-owned Sorentos and Sportages!"
--Ying Yang Twins for Kia of Jenkintown
Imagine, if you will, a world in which a medium booger didn't just tumble out of my nose, bounce off my boss's desk and land on his crotch.
Ofttimes I'll ride stepbrother Neil's old Razor scooter down to Fucktown and gaffle a passel of pool noodles if you catch my drift.
You read my tweet, your thumb hovering over the star icon. You read it again. Your thumb quivers slightly. "No," you whisper, and scroll on.
RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
"My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.
Got a few sparkling apple ciders in me and am making gentle sport of my Pastor's foibles like I don't even give a fuss!
I'm worried sick that this young couple on House Hunters International may have to compromise in order to stay within their budget.
This young hipster I was schoolin on '80s D.C. hardcore turned out to be a gummi worm stuck to a carabiner, but I think I got through to him
RIP my uncle Geörg, a fine basso profundo who got hooked on VCR head-cleaner after fucking up "barbecue sauce" at his Chili's jingle tryout.
"Five six seven eight!" *struts into the grave*