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Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.
*stumbles into an open grave* "Eh, fuck it." *gets comfy* *dies*
Give a man a compliment and he'll feel good for a day, teach a man to fish for a compliment you guys probably don't like this tweet do you?
A Kickstarter for a Vine of me going to each of the Seven Wonders of the World and doing the jerk-off motion in front of them.
"If you liked my dick, wait til you see my inventory of certified pre-owned Sorentos and Sportages!"
--Ying Yang Twins for Kia of Jenkintown
We poke a little fun at Whole Foods on here, but I gotta say, sometimes it just feels good to spend $473,000 on a shitty onion.
You read my tweet, your thumb hovering over the star icon. You read it again. Your thumb quivers slightly. "No," you whisper, and scroll on.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the men's restroom, or as all these ladies are loudly calling it, "the women's restroom."
Got a few sparkling apple ciders in me and am making gentle sport of my Pastor's foibles like I don't even give a fuss!
TRUE OR FALSE: Where the fuck is my Chapstick?
Probly when badasses do internet searches they're probly all, "No mucho, just strokin the goog."
My stripper name is Boy Howdy & my shtick is an expression of guileless wonderment while flexing my buttcheeks to the William Tell Overture.
Ever notice how a lot of times next to a toilet there's like a roll of paper attached to the wall?
Ofttimes I'll ride stepbrother Neil's old Razor scooter down to Fucktown and gaffle a passel of pool noodles if you catch my drift.
Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.
My epitaph will read, "He died as he lived: choking on a Werther's Original."
Imagine, if you will, a world in which a medium booger didn't just tumble out of my nose, bounce off my boss's desk and land on his crotch.