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[me as a simple country lawyer]
Seems to me
OW MY FUCKING NIPPLES
Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.
"At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."
RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge
Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.
Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City
Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit
*does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*
Ah, water; faucet vodka, the snowman's jism, creek syrup, jism of the clouds, nature's Fresca, hose jism
Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.
"My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.
My wife just asked me in all sincerity what mansplaining means *takes sip of disgusting $19.00 microbrewery IPA* Well,
A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"
*I walk in bruised and bloodied* You should see the other guy; great hair, winning smile, lovely eyes, can't take a compliment, nice smell.
Pre-1971 Starburst flavors:
Foghorns for my leg friends, leghorns for my, I say, leghorns for my fog frie
Do I consider myself a "bad boy"?
*cuts english muffin along y-axis*
You tell me
*apologizes to muffin*
creator of Sex Muesli® and Sex Muesli® with raisins™
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