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Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.
RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit
*does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*
Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.
Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.
"My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.
Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City
A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"
"At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."
*I walk in bruised and bloodied* You should see the other guy; great hair, winning smile, lovely eyes, can't take a compliment, nice smell.
Foghorns for my leg friends, leghorns for my, I say, leghorns for my fog frie
*stumbles into an open grave* "Eh, fuck it." *gets comfy* *dies*
A Kickstarter for a Vine of me going to each of the Seven Wonders of the World and doing the jerk-off motion in front of them.
You read my tweet, your thumb hovering over the star icon. You read it again. Your thumb quivers slightly. "No," you whisper, and scroll on.
I miss the days before cellphones when you'd have to rip a page out of a phone book in the rain and run into a diner and eat a piece of pie
We poke a little fun at Whole Foods on here, but I gotta say, sometimes it just feels good to spend $473,000 on a shitty onion.
RIP my uncle Geörg, a fine basso profundo who got hooked on VCR head-cleaner after fucking up "barbecue sauce" at his Chili's jingle tryout.
Give a man a compliment and he'll feel good for a day, teach a man to fish for a compliment you guys probably don't like this tweet do you?