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  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

    • 2,173
    • FAVS
    mavisritafarrowCourtneyBaleGigaDanfozzyblairhmmVERYcooltheNash_manfr0g95WalkingCivilWar
    • 893
    • RETWEETS
    fr0g95WalkingCivilWarJuliushaukapseudo_fredKellieWolf_e_wall6484boxing_nerdtoomanytoes
    EliHansenMusiciamjeffsloanWhatevaConcflashemberPaperWashBromanConsulBarryVonAwesome
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Disneyland should have a Godfather I & II ride where all you do is slowly shut a door in Diane Keaton's face.

    • 739
    • FAVS
    CatherineLMKTheAlexNevilTheRealRHBMrsTomServofalloutboyisbadRyeRyeRyeRyeelseano1aaroncpeer
    • 462
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexNevilfavstar_historyTheRealRHBdtipsonelseano1orbs35benedwards25docmoonlight
    jefftminston
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    "At Domino's Pizza, we no longer remember what we're apologizing for. Here, have nine meat lumps on a piece of school lavatory paper towel."

    • 689
    • FAVS
    ReallyfamoussBLG216caiteejanejunkyardigankatsuyakyokoDatowneStelfairmmgowdey
    • 236
    • RETWEETS
    BLG216guy_someone69wolvesshmolvesHopeHeaddenTeflonJon__MalloryCoyleTOSHPOINTBROdanixperez_
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He's with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED

    • 653
    • FAVS
    TLchDer367DeluxiansTheAlexNevilTheRealRHBRobbi123TheCoosmanfalloutboyisbadWGladstone
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexNevilTheRealRHBMattRuppelallenbrochill68hashtagbluntsTheWillieCoxJrHob__Goblinfredpeacocks
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge

    • 552
    • FAVS
    Reallyfamousscaptain_siccaiteejaneBLG216katsuyakyokomattmylerprodigisPhilEads
    • 259
    • RETWEETS
    ReallyfamoussOriginalKazilaNitrosomereglitterfetusfireindarcadewowtruBrymerkinslaurpen
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Please accept my deepest daaaaang on the loss of your mother.

    • 595
    • FAVS
    ReallyfamoussDjhansen77Connery_Hallmuffinlabandrealortizandypattonlacrossemom5caiteejane
    • 156
    • RETWEETS
    GladdyBearandypattonkevin301JoeyPositivitycaptain_sicToriBirrguy_someone69jenfehr2014
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Whenever someone at the bar mentions Martin Scorsese, I casually intone "Oh, Marty?" Then I kick back & ride the Zima train to Handjob City

    • 588
    • FAVS
    SenorSleevezaraleascottioecho_dollBrandonFord5chinchillawillyhazelmotes1DarrenBakerHiddenPinky
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    BrandonFord5DarrenBakerjessokfineKevin_HoguericosuavetbsaintfannieClaranovichShanehasabeard
    danjan13DanielRCarrilloLHGarrett
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Can't remember whether my son's name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit

    • 576
    • FAVS
    Huber138ewfeez_robriesling_Holliewithan_iecandidartichokebuhsbaby_babyfuzzlimeTheRealRHB
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    buhsbaby_babyfuzzlimepopcorndudespathammergirlDanielRCarrillonamedafternumankaylorteeseeWhatevaConc
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    *does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy's menu*

    • 415
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBMrsTomServoBlackCheesePiefalloutboyisbadCpin42IanBalls__yocjlCarter9992
    • 146
    • RETWEETS
    NICKtheNAILERrownageDanielRCarrillohippiehoppinWhatevaConcRlpihlDog_Forestsjoshwuh
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Extroverts want introverts to alter their personalities and introverts want extroverts to just shut the fuck up for two seconds.

    • 357
    • FAVS
    ReallyfamoussemilypittfancaiteejanekatsuyakyokoiseelucidlyseanferdtahirisunriderJoeyPositivity
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    willywonkwankLoganamjdarya_deeguy_someone69sasquatchin1EuropaIuroNotDavidKricharddoomed
    endlesstunnels
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    "My top microbrews ar-" but I press my finger to your lips. I keep pressing. I press you into your mother's womb. Into your father's balls.

    • 375
    • FAVS
    clairenaomi22metcalflovesyoucaiteejanekatsuyakyokoDatowneSamGrittnermattmylerbotandy
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    rogerduprevostnorhavenktwelvesScruff_MC_BuffoswegoweebcallmefuckfaceRayWilletwolvesshmolves
    Manda_like_wine
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, "I've got another family across town!"

    • 325
    • FAVS
    ReticentTurnipTheRealRHBMrsTomServoRobbi123HollyMemphisJermHimselfishfalloutboyisbadJoelAnair
    • 73
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBcurthopkinsManda_like_wineFloreousPFitzpadreamthievinhashtagbluntsdongblaster
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    *I walk in bruised and bloodied* You should see the other guy; great hair, winning smile, lovely eyes, can't take a compliment, nice smell.

    • 268
    • FAVS
    redpawn3TheRealRHBWhoopdeedoo22Robbi123falloutboyisbadDanKCharnleyCalvinHairstyleari5000
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    TheRealRHBrim_bodsomecleverthingFavstar250__NickConsIrlTreedragnutjlerwin
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Pre-1971 Starburst flavors:

    Red=rhubarb
    Yellow=yolk
    Pink=flesh
    Orange=thalidomide

    • 253
    • FAVS
    Manda_like_wineNavajoallstar10Whoopdeedoo22JermHimselfishfalloutboyisbadDanKCharnleymysteryspoonsDrKojo1
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar250__TCLiddellprettygoodyeardentedsaxVestaTotbobtikinicoolnotebookFlintRamble
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    Foghorns for my leg friends, leghorns for my, I say, leghorns for my fog frie

    • 228
    • FAVS
    speknycrutik_sTheRealRHBducksbacktooKattsDogmarealmrkimbell100DollarChillbombsydoll
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    speknycTheRealRHBbombsydollTheWoodenslurpyTheGrimKingGlennmandirectBucketEMrsTomServo
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    BRAIN: That is not a Wendy's. You will be ritualistically murdered in there
    TUMMY: Spicy chicken sandwich pic.twitter.com/bs8R694jOZ

    • 234
    • FAVS
    TheRealRHBfindmydollsmablazarusMrsTomServoWhoopdeedoo22thecaribbeansmeagolsfreetoakes
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    guillermocanbamrhinelander54cermaknlrsfSzczepantski__NickPollock2unhillbillyelkippy
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    *stumbles into an open grave* "Eh, fuck it." *gets comfy* *dies*

    • 183
    • FAVS
    NomarZednemSophieMorelli7SeptapusDennybrittxolynngoodasspostssomecleverthingMacKooliodreamthievin
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    IveSeenFootageeraser___headgoodasspostsswimmuhboimattsilversaurussomecleverthingMeat_spoonhanaskellingtn__
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    You read my tweet, your thumb hovering over the star icon. You read it again. Your thumb quivers slightly. "No," you whisper, and scroll on.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoWhoopdeedoo22Robbi123falloutboyisbadmadlystrongJlofarsaysCookieVangelistHomeComingKhing
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    HomeComingKhingTrailofSlime_B4TM4NFreddy_MashJustCallMeFrankdreamthievinPeevishGeezercharlzero
  • afbradstone
      afbradstone @afbradstone

    A Kickstarter for a Vine of me going to each of the Seven Wonders of the World and doing the jerk-off motion in front of them.

    • 167
    • FAVS
    MrsTomServoWhoopdeedoo22Robbi123falloutboyisbadMeat_spoonThunderhunk3000twitsofftoya2BurbankLawGuy__
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    Meat_spoonhanaskellingtn__akidwithnolifeUncleSmacksMasterOfMoppetshooray4kelseySpudvetchJosesLovesYou
  • afbradstone
    • 94
    • FAVS
    Thunderhunk3000MasterOfMoppetscharlzerojaunsinktrayyoWritepopDanKCharnleyscuntty
    • 119
    • RETWEETS
    ktrayyobrandghaziSirEvisceratesimjunweiPonylopeDrewD_Grobertorobot2BigTMZ1
@afbradstone

@afbradstone

Have you ever even rented a room

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