I only watched 'Interview With the Vampire' halfway through... so did he get the job or not??

The five stages of procrastination:
1) Meh

I sometimes go to funerals of random people and shout out loud 'I WILL AVENGE YOU !'.

I have some bad news and a Nickelback CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

Just had a striptease! This little kid in front of me was waving his chicken strips like a total fucker.

Seriously, Steroid Olympics would beat the shit out of regular Olympics any day.

My reality check just bounced.

My favorite sexual position BY FAR is 34°37′4″N 117°50′1″W.

It's always a walk of shame if you're wearing Crocs.

Don't do it. You've got so little in real life to live for. #Twittercide

I'm tired of becoming a multi-platinum selling country music artist every time my truck breaks down and my girlfriend leaves me.

I accidentally ran over a flock of geese with my car today. Gave me goosebumps.

My Mexican roadie passed away after being crushed by my keyboards. In other words, Jesús died for my synths.

I wish more bestselling authors would join Twitter. That way I get to read their best bits here without having to buy a single damn book.

I have Tourette's, I swear.

It's not a threesome, I'm just multitasking.

"Just because things don't pose a threat doesn't mean we shouldn't blow it up" ~ George W. Bush at some point, probably

"I use my cape as a napkin." ~ Supperman

I keep thinking of women in burkas as female ninjas.

"It just dawned on me that ARGGGGGGHHHHHH!" ~ Vampire