Least favorite alarm clock setting: dog sneeze in face.

Ready for bed which means it's time for my neighbors to put on their Sunday night routine called "dragging heavy shit across the floor."

I'm a fan of using the comma before the conjunction when using a word, phrase, or clause series. Related: I won't be getting laid tonight.

I secretly want to order Starbucks mocha coconut frappacino, but I know saying the word frappacino aloud will turn me into a douchebag.

Today's interview tip: Do not talk in depth about how you've created your own Klan with online gaming, which has given you management skills

I've been told raisins are sun-kissed grapes. I say orally raped by Satan is more fitting.

Whenever my dog sleeps at the foot of my bed, I'm always afraid that somehow my toes are going to end up touching butthole.

If you use the word flustrated, I am fairly certain we aren't friends.

I've been known to just make shit up* *My mom called this "lying" I like to say creatively decorating the truth.

Watched a lady spray herself in the face with febreeze multiple times while trying to smell the different scents. #grocerystoreoddities

Apparently I signed up for Groupon so I can say, "oh that IS a good deal" and delete an email daily.

Some dude just drove past me rockin' out to a book on tape in his car...that's not even nerdy sexy.

A little girl, maybe 3 just walked by me wearing a poofy princess dress over an anarchy t-shirt. I like her style!

People at Panda Express never ever find it funny when you order panda.

I'm going old school tonight. I'm going to read a book. You know the thing with a cover and pages w/ ink on them. Yes, it rhymes with nook.

And a coworker just told me my lotion reminds him of a stripper he once knew...and that sums up my day.

Mom: I have the tweet thing on my new phone. You know anything about the blue bird? Me: Nope, never heard of it.

Revising my mom's saying: If you don't have anything nice to say join Twitter.

Whatever that 1 out of 5 doctors or dentists recommends must be total crap.

I thought my rendition of Blame It on the Rain was moving, so did my friends. It moved them right out the door while I was in the bathroom.