I only go to the grocery store with my wife to hit the back of her feet with the shopping cart. #OhSorryHoney

Why do the same people who complain they can't find a job always have a $8 pack of smokes and $2000 in fireworks

the only thing creepier then dolls are adults that collect them.

I fart to avoid SmallTalk .

Life in prison without the possibility of parole is my back up retirement plan .

i'm old enough to remember when being sensitive was called being a pussy.

is a degree in Science from a Christian college even valid?

funniest thing most of you will never see is a cop running 2 the toilet tearing off all his equipment 2 take an emergency shit. Priceless

My underwear are just a fart filter that doesn't work

Living with a motherfucker is a motherfucker

These guys in prison have it made. You sit around watch tv, go to the gym, smoke with your friends, get ass fucked... I mean fuck some ass.

Every time u meet a 20yr old who says they are a vegetarian always say "oh your a vegetarian, just like Hitler" in a happy tone and smile

as a fat person i would like to apologize for my people's misuse of Under Armour .

I superglued 3 quarters inside my cup holder to bug the kid at the car wash.

Grocery shopping and I'm farting in the dairy aisle everyone thinks the eggs are bad.

The best birth control is spending the day with children .

A guy at work says "my mom raised 4 of us by herself" and all I heard was "my mom was a whore nobody would marry"

Just think how many Black Friday shoppers will be eating their last meal today before being trampled to death for a $200 flat screen TV

People who tattoo their kids names on themselves must be very forgetful.

Hey everyone else with a dead Mom, Game of Thrones is on tonight .