They say once you go black, you never go back. Well, I did go black, and they were right. I NEVER went back.

I'd love to finish masturbating to the cashier at the liquor store but she's all like "you're not supposed to be in here!", always.

I'm believe I am in the lead for how much Candy Corn a human can consume before Halloween.

About ready for some hot wings, cold beer and #Steelers football. Why can't life be like this all the time?

My neighbor likes to bang his wife with the window open for everyone to hear, I like to bang her while he's at work.

My boss said that he's going home early to celebrate his birthday. I feel like I'd be a bad employee if I didn't follow suit 5 minutes later

President Madison panics when British burn the White House How's he going to tell Congress that he let the homeowners insurance lapse? 1814

My husband swears that tea bags are great for dark circles. I still don't understand how a scrotum in my mouth will affect my eyes.

I just took a shit in a public bathroom so quickly & silently that a ninja dropped through the ceiling & high fived me.

If you never had a threesome, think again.

Sure your Dad banged your mom when she was pregnant

I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.

The mailman gave me a sinister smile and asked how was my mom, that son of a bitch..

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it's from.

If cows ever figure out how good they taste.
We're fucked

If we have sex and I hand you a puppet to wear on your hand, please don't fight it. I want the puppet to talk dirty to me, no offense :)

My Old Man Wanted Me To Make Him A Sandwich...So I Called Over Two Hot Neighbor Guys And We Made One Hell Of A Meat-N-Ball On White!