I somehow ended up with 25 feet of bubble wrap...


Cancel all my appointments.

My step ladder needs to stop pretending like he's my real ladder!

My life is like a movie...
Except I'm Asian, so I'm a supporting character that dies right after the black guy.

I got a new gaming mouse and now I can't stop all the girls wanting to have sex with me.

I never have Freudian tits. SLIPS! SLIPS!

I tried to follow exactly what it said in this Kama Sutra book, but I ended up accidentally building a dresser.

So a man walks into a bar and his alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart!

I love that sound you make after you close your mouth.

If you can put eye drops in on your first try, it means you're a minion of Satan and I have to kill you.

My logic is that if the world ends tomorrow, all this procrastination will be justified.

You think I'm an apathetic bastard? Well, yeah whatever, you're probably right...

The Beauty and the Beast taught me that looks don't matter... Just be rich and own a castle!

To the untrained eye it looks like a blank page, but it's really a representation of the inner sanctity of the human drive and I can't draw.

Piranha 3D was good, but the book was better.

You'd be surprised at how many times people get me confused with Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and the entire cast of every Asian movie ever made.

I like to break the ice by showing people my impression of Mel Gibson but it usually gets a little awkward when I start strangling people.

I'm not a fan of planking but that old homeless guy has been at it for 5 days straight!

How many Hitlers does it take to change a light bulb? NIEN!!!

Jokes about the female menstrual cycle should never be told, period!

You can spot the most sensitive people in prison by their teardrop tattoos.