@honesttoddler Pro tip: running raises suspicions sky high. If you're gonna split, saunter casually toward a toy.

@shusta well yeah. Have you seen some of these tablet smartphones that people are carrying around?

@caissie ohhhhhh. I don't think that's the case where I am - Jew population is tiny. It's a space issue elsewhere, I think. @hotcomestodie

@cantoni when you use your internet powers in this manner, I feel uncomfortable and sad.

@shusta yeppp... it's like dating, only it's legal for them to pay you for what they want.

Why can't the booty call concept be applied to cuddling? or snuggling and watching a movie?

"If you don't ask him, you're kinda shooting yourself in the balls..." "It can't be the foot? That'd hurt." "I know how balls work Daniel."

@shusta you're full of shit.

@dannycox puppy!

@scottalambert When someone is riding my tail on College St and I get to the continuous right turn, I sit through the light on purpose.

When I see my doctor, she sometimes asks if I track my moods, weird dreams, etc. Yes, I say. I call it my Twitter account.

@tomscott if that happens, that will be the person I marry. Way better party trick than pulling quarters out of ears.

@alybo23 you really shouldn't steal blind people. They're really good at telling police where they were taken.

@hotcomestodie Locally, someone took a collection of glass dildos and 'planted' them in their front yard with a 'free dildos' sign.

#PalmerFest taking it a step up this year: instead of setting fire to couches, they caught a house on fire. #lastSpringQuarter

If there's a word for this feeling, I haven't come up with it yet.

I'm gonna make a shirt that says 'You aren't funny, you're just a bitch,' and when people say it's rude say it was a gift from my mom.