I'm OK with 599 followers. Any more than that and you just become a dick.

@ish that's because my starting pitchers actually contain beer

@graygunter Brandon Belt fan, is she....

RIP RT @probablyhigh16: What kind of "Richard" goes by "Dick" with the last name Trickle? A man goddamnit, a man.

That's right. I FF'd myself. Ladies...?

Adobe invented Illustrator, thus being accomplices to the unconscionable crime that can only be described as The Colorado Rockies Uniform.

Can you write off Ponzi scheme losses?

When did life become just a load of retweets?

Click. #sfgiants

3D printing? I don't think I could give less of a shit. Knock yourselves out.

Guess it's time dust off the 'ol copy of Marathon Man. Is it safe…?

Hey North Carolina, I don't believe speed dating means what you think it means.

He did actually say that, though… Brent mused.

Remember when @rickygervais said he didn't get the point of Twitter and suggested we just follow his blog? Yeah, me either.

Anyone having problems with mlb.tv can go to  http://www.usagoals.com/baseball.html  and watch for free. I'd advise an ad blocker though.

@denisekiernan is the Robert Oppenheimer of The Daily Show! Congratulations on blowing that shit up!  http://www.thedailyshow.com/ 

Please, God, for the love of everything that is practical, please please add manual sort to notes and notebooks in @evernote. I will pay.

The longer you go without sex, the more BDSM creeps into your fantasies. He seemed to think.

Wait, the president has aides???!!!

That last tweet actually came to me in my sleep last night. How do I even know the word 'occipital'...