When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."

I hate you. I love you. Hold me. Don't touch me. I'll love you forever. Go die. Welcome to the mind of a woman.

My daughter told me if she ever gets a hamster she's naming it MC Hamster. I might buy one for that reason alone.

I am one "Mom!" away from making the 6 o'clock news.

Don't assume just because I'm fat that I will fuck you. It's because I'm drunk. Dumbass.

I'm not fat, it's just my awesomeness swelling up inside me.

I like the twitter me better than the real me.

Do vegans swallow?

Sometimes I wish when you hit the unfollow button that person would explode.

I run really fast when I listen to Ke$ha at the gym. I pretend she's chasing me trying to get glitter and skank on me.

There should be bars where only people on Twitter should be allowed. That way you know everyone is DTF. And loves bacon.

I'm not an attention whore. I'm just a regular whore. Oh who am I kidding? I love attention.

Once you decide to let go of expectations you can never be disappointed.

How many of you lost your virginity to "Just let me put it in for a minute." Or was that just me?

I'm so irritated right now I think I'll passive aggressively fold all his underwear inside out.

When I grow up I want to be a half assed housewife with a borderline drinking problem. Oh wait....dream achieved.

I could be a vegetarian if it weren't for penis. And bacon.

You know it's leap day AND hump day so I suggest we name this Flying Fuck Day and declare it an international holiday!

Wanna come over and play TSA agent and drug mule?

Me: Let's go to Chuck E Cheese!
Kids: Yay!
Me: April Fools. I'm going to lunch with Rachael.
Kids:....
Me: Clean the house while I'm gone.