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Sext(?): my left nip is so itchy and I'm afraid to check webmd because it'll probably say breast cancer and can guys even get that
My zombie apocalypse playlist is all nickelback songs. Hopefully the zombies will blow their brains out when they hear it so I won't have to
Everything is getting me fired up and this is exhausting. I'd like to go back to being in a constant state of indifference now please
Beneath my asshole façade is an even bigger bitch, so yeah you're all welcome :)
Hi, please take your shriveled up privates and sagging bosoms off the fucking road and back into the retirement home where no one visits you
The best part of acting like a decent human being is HAHAHAHA AS IF I KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT BEING HUMAN OR DECENT
Mom's bragging to the relatives about one of her kids ......I'm an only child so she must be talking about one of the dogs
Reasons I prefer sleeves over tissues:
-adds unique quality to my clothes
Don't talk to me about self control. I'm surrounded by flaky biscuits, rum cake, cookies etc and I'm snacking on stir fried veggies instead
Yeah I did just make hot chocolate by stirring in 2 tables of nutella in warm milk. You say wtf i say fuck you i'm a genius, potato potahtoe
Oh hello wii remote whatcha doing in my shorts? Things definitely took a wrong turn somewhere between the couch cushions.
The urge to subtweet is almost unbearable but I honestly just need to learn to shake things off.
It kills me that people think they’re broken and need fixing. You're not broken. You’re hurt. You don’t need fixing, just time to heal.
People think the trick to life is to have it all figured out, but I think it's to make it up along the way.