Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. "...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave..."

My Dad always said "trust people as far as you can throw them". Turns out I trust babies and small children. A lot.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. Probably got that way eating too much pi.

Making sushi - there's a jap for that.

Took my car to Mike and the Mechanics. They told me I needed a miracle.

My I-Phone just auto corrected motherfucker to Oedipus.

If a dog gives birth by the side of a road is it considered littering?

I wonder if Heidi Klum ever wonders about her kids getting clubbed to death because they're baby Seals.

To insure a higher degree of "truth in advertising", Kirstie Alley is considering changing her last name to "Boulevard".

My boss told me he's give me a raise "when pigs fly." I showed him a picture of Snooki getting on an airplane.

It's a good thing the Chileans didn't hire BP to drill that rescue shaft. They would be leaking people for months.

Everytime my dog says "woof", I say "there it is". He thinks it's hilarious.

Jesus wore his hair long, had twelve male "followers", wasn't married and you still think he hated gays?

If chickens had fingers I bet they would be delicious.

Dry erase boards are just another example of the man keeping the black board down.

Meg Whitman should have used the Buy It Now feature in the election.

I suspect Charlie Sheen will eventually get a Presidential pardon for all his mistakes. His Dad was President, right?

If Chris Rock really had a sense of humor he's name one of his kids Fraggle.

After all these years you would think they would promote Cap'n Crunch. Even James Kirk made Admiral for gods sake.

Donald Trump says he is considering running for President in 2012. This will assure the Mayan calendar is correct.