"We Beat Off!" -new bug spray's marketing slogan

I bet when female rappers are on their periods they talk about their flow A LOT.

What would my phone have ever done without me? Not learned the words 'numbnuts', 'bonerific', 'whoremongering' and 'yoink', that's for sure.

Tired of hearing Paterno's family's reactions. We'll reach out if we need some quick cleaning tips, like how to sweep shit under the rug.

I have reason to believe the Pope is just a bunch of cats in a man suit. If I turn up dead for any reason, it's true.

"I'm not racist, however..." -racists

If a paparazzi photo of Taylor Swift blowing Tim Tebow doesn't surface soon, I'm going to have to seriously consider becoming a good person.

As much as I hate Halloween, when else would I be afforded the chance to watch the Cat in the Hat vomit into a dumpster during my walk home?

Feel bad for today's kids, they never got to experience the magical bliss of Blackstreet's "No Diggity" video feat. Lil' Penny playing piano

Yes, that's exactly what I meant when I referred to her as 'spunky'.

The only thing of mine that's gone viral is my health.

What is it about that 1st really nice, Summer-like day each Spring that makes you wish you could go picnic & dream of everyone being dead?

I bet colorblind people can't figure out the movie Glory for the life of them.

The tank top behind me is blocked but says "Sun's out! Guns out!". Should have read "Cloudy with a chance of douchebag" http://t.co/6F1SvVqd

Don't need your open mic "appearance schedule". If I'm even there, I'll be outside smoking during your set. Signed, Your fellow local comics

As these are the 30th modern games, my cable lists them as "XXX Summer Olympics". Keep forgetting I'm not gonna find Pairs Dildoing anywhere

Our athletes look like they already know a schooner is a sailboat.

"I'm from the streets." -Lil' PieceofAsphalt

I'm like a living, breathing non-profit but without the tax incentives.

If you've ever bent over and picked up an ice cube instead of just kicking it under the fridge then we probably shouldn't try and be friends