I wish women got this upset in real life when I stopped following them.

Why do people use Instagram filters on food pictures? Nobody wants a sepia taco.

It cracks me up when women brag about their sexual prowess. A Bop-It is more complicated than the human penis.

Sure, when Prince Charming kisses a sleeping beauty it's romantic, but when I kiss one it's misdemeanor assault. Real fair, guys.

I should probably put everything off until tomorrow just in case something gets invented tonight that does everything for me.

It doesn't bother me that over 50% of marriages result in divorce. It bothers me that over 95% of them result in obnoxious children.

Dance like somebody's watching. With binoculars. Because I am.

"Siri, what's the most annoying way to let people know I have the newest iPhone?"

I've never written a subtweet. Unlike YOU.

I'm about to show this child-proof cap my driver's license.

When I found out there were "breakfast burritos" I experienced a lot of guilt over how early in the day I'd been eating the regular ones.

I'm a terrible kisser. Blood everywhere.

My student loan payment is LOL dollars a month.

I'm convinced that the girl who cuts my hair is in love with me, and that she did this to my head to reduce the competition.

I recycled a tweet that only got one star, but the new version got no stars and the guy who had starred it before accused me of stealing it.

Remember guys, if you finish and she doesn't, make sure you eat all her leftovers like a gentleman.

I always get confused when people say they'll have a six pack by summertime. I mean, I usually have one of those before I go to church.

For Halloween I'll be dressing up as the guy who's staring at your boobs.

Overheard at work: "Ask Adam." "Which one? Hot Adam or Mean Adam?"

Legitimately unsure of where I fall on that one.

Some of my favorite tweets have few or no stars. My followers have terrible taste.