It's so cute how you still assume I care what you think.

Troy and Abed in the MORNING!

Instead of "do bears shit in the woods?" I've decided to start saying "does Aquaman shit in the ocean?" #trendsetter

I'm not a packrat or hoarder, I'm a preservationist for future generations of cultural anthropologists.

The more I know about people, the more I like my dog. And I don't even HAVE a dog.

Grandma: "But it looks like an old lady dress."
Me: "ALL your dresses are old lady dresses by definition."
Grandma: "....I hate you."

People mostly don't realize how ridiculous they are. It's okay though, that's what I'm here for.

If my last name was Good and I had a kid, I would name him Feel and try to get him to go into medicine.

I would make a terrible storm chaser; you would hear me on air saying HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FUCKING THING!

I'm wearing the minimum pieces of flair.

I would sell your soul to the devil right now for a cream-filled donut.

Karma is what determines the size of the crop when you're reaping what you've sown. #FakeInspirationalCrap

I guess we can tell our kids "Hey, Twitter didn't even HAVE hashtags when I joined!"

If I refer to you as a Handyman's Delight, just know it's only because I think you're a real tool.

I just realized wearing all brown makes me look like a baked potato.

Some of us make our wide-leg jeans fit like skinny jeans.

I tried sharing my Kleenex like on the commercial but it turns out people only want the UNused ones. Go figure.

Misanthropy is underrated.

I am having delusions of adequacy.

Sometimes people you think you know turn out to be #assclams in disguise. #WhyIHatePeople