Im officially addicted to twitter, took less than 2 weeks-My addiction to porn only took 4 minutes, 5 max. So I hope to make a full recovery

Morals keep me from killing the neighbors & dancin naked in the street wearin a belt made outta their nipples, but mainly I just hate belts.

What I lack in grace and dignity I make up for super cool pants.
Just kidding, I traded my dignity in for the pants which I sold for vodka.

My mom HAS said to me “I hope you know how proud of you I am”…but usually it’s said with sarcasm & derision...while bailing me out of jail.

Me: Mom, Im an adult now, quit calling just 2 check up on me.
Mom: Jesus Amber, it's midnight & *YOU* called me.
Me: Oh...sooo whatcha doin?

Having arched eyebrows also means you have a propensity for narcissism, drug abuse and whoredom. Well, atleast if I'm any kind of indicator.

Me:Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?
Roomie: Amber, you're talking to the vodka bottle...again.

For lent I plan on giving up masturbation.
So it looks like for 40 days I'm going to practice my faith AND be a total slut.
Yay religion. :P

Roses are red, I'm high on hash,
I'll give you a blow job, you give me the cash.

Oh wait, I stole that one from your mom. :P

Ever have 2 pee so bad, 4 so long that when u finally do, you orgasm?
Well either way, I'm no longer allowed in the ball pit @ McDonalds. :P

If masturbating 2 Ryan Reynolds is wrong, I was wrong 3 times today.
Twice yesterday.
5 or 6 times Friday.
Let's just say I'm HELLA WRONG.

I don't buy name brands...
except for Fresh step kitty liter & Charmin.
Basically I only spend the extra $ if it involves my hand near shit.

I dont know what a cat swallowing a canary looks like.
But after a night o debauchery, i know what a pussy swallowing a cucumber looks like.

I love the olympics.
The tight bodies.
The bulging muscles.
The panting participants.
The Facials...Ok, So Im actually just watchin porn. :P

Granted, when I have phone sex, I use all kinds of aids that help me win in moaning competitions w/ my roomie.
Like vibrators and bullhorns.

If I weren't working today, I'd be home watching porn, touching myself, and twittering. Well same thing I'm doing now, but w/ less clothes.

Is it true you can't get crabs if you use tartar sauce as a lubricant during sex?
I'm asking for your mom... and me... and my mom. :P

Him: Chill out, just go with the flow Me: If by flow you mean the red tide between my legs, that's telling me to kill you, I'd be happy to

Example: Him (Q): "Wanna make out *wink wink* Me(A):Only if you slide a spatula down my ass crack and make dial up noises first *wink wink*

You know you've become an adult when u find yourself saying, "I wish someone would just plow me out" and you're referencing snow, not sex.