Biggest accomplishment of my day thus far????? Bathing

Collecting broken dreams,like they're commemorative glasses.

This tweet is brought to you tonight by the expired Percocet that I found in the cupboard.

Thank to 'Thomas The Train',3 is now trying to repeat: "Go,Percy!" but its coming out "GO PUSSY!"

Up side of arriving early to kids' school=great parking...The down side=I get stares like I'm a 1970's van-driving pedophile,minus the van!

Me laughing & starring some of your tweets...only increases my chances of going to hell *that* much more. So,thanks a-fucking-lot,assholes.

Is caging kids still illegal in ALL 50 states??? Asking for a friend

Why is it that mini ponies,bite sized candy bars &tea-cup dogs are cute,but then you throw a midget in the mix & shit gets creepy real fast?

I'm pretty sure,that the people who star their own tweets,are the same people who send themselves flowers on Valentines Day.

You all are the best make-believe friends a girl could ever ask for.

FYI: Walking up to someone you know and telling them,"I'm Unfollowing you" is much more awkward than Twitter led me to believe it would be.

If you can go into a Walmart & NOT be the prettiest person there...we could never be friends,only because you're ugly and I'm shallow.

Pretty sure,the lady who bagged my groceries,was trying to fuck up MY carbon footprint. Bitch,it's ok to put more than 1item in each bag.

Trying to muster the strength to be 'funny' when you're down,takes as much energy as it does to be 'sexy' when you're having a fat day....

My new diet plan: feeding off of others' misery.

I think this pickle liked it ALOT when I bit into it,cause it squirted all over me,the counter & the floor. Well played pickle,well played..

It's not that you're wearing sweatpants in public that makes me uncomfortable,it's the fact that they're so tight,I can see your religion.

I'm not saying that I drank too much vodka last night,I'm just saying that if you listen close enough,you can actually hear my liver crying.

And I thought pumping gas in my pajamas & slippers this morning was reaching 'new levels of low'.....I just built a robot army out of Legos™

Holy Fuck!!! This girl didn't just tease her hair.....she literally bullied it. Oy!