Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
The sky's the limit, because let's be honest, you're never going to be an astronaut.
I just laughed at one of my own tweets from earlier today, in case anyone was looking for a reason to like me less.
Hey men who wear those shoes shaped like feet: How's all that pussy you're getting?
Nice try, the word "crusty," but I'll never hate you as much as I hate the word "moist."
Mice try, autocorrect.
Just realized I've never lost a presidential election so I've got that goin for me
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was when he was like "Spell i-cup" and I was like "I see you pee? Ah ya got me!" Classic The Devil.
I think most people don't realize that instead of exercising, you can just eat pizza.
Dating Advice For Men: If you think a girl is pretty, give her noodles. Bitches love noodles.
It's pretty nice of date rapists to let us know they're date rapists by wearing Ed Hardy.
"Google + is so dumb, I'll never ever use it" - people who used to hate Twitter and now tweet everyday.
Sometimes I like to pretend that you guys are all so blown away by my tweets that you explode and die and that's why you don't retweet me.
Just wrote a to-do list. Can't wait to complete 0% of it and just watch Swedish music vids all day.
Is it possible to have your eyeballs replaced with lemons? If so, I would rather keep my real eyes.
How come there's no Lady Smith WHITE Mambazo? Hm?!
Just remembered 2 great things about boobs: 1) Sometimes they make beverages. 2) They are boobs.
Pretty much every time I sneeze I assume it's because the Magic School bus took a field trip into my body and had to leave through my nose.
About to do some laundry. Washin clothes and fuckin hoes. But mostly just washing clothes.
The baby just tried to walk and she's totally stumbling all over the place. It's just like HELLO you're in public, pull your shit together.
I'm basically what would happen if a bodybuilder and a majestic eagle had a baby.