I used to say open sesame when walking through automatic doors as a little kid. I still do and that's why I have no friends.

Bums, we get it, you're poor, but stop dressing like that.

I don't know if I'll ever be the same after watching Black Swan. And what I mean by that is my boner still hasn't gone down :(

Me and my friends party soo hard. Last night we went to see a play about Anne Frank and tore up an Olive Garden afterwards.

Pecan is one of those words where you sound like an asshole no matter how you pronounce it.

Just found out dolphins poop. Really depressed now.

You know, we're pretty awful to lemons.

My family seriously lives and breathes the broncos. We got home, had no dinner and went straight to bed. It's like someone died.

African American Friday.

I'm surprised more rappers don't sing about their illegitimate children and fear of commitment.

NO ONE WANTS TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR FUCKING WORD GAME

So wait...it's not pronouced shia la-douchebag-beouf?

Somewhere there is a lady putting a sock in her pants to get ready for her night out.

If you ever wonder why my full name is my username it's because I'm hoping that one of you will decide to look me up and come marry me.

I LOVE BLACK PPL WHITE PPL YELLOW PPL BROWN PPL AND EVEN THE TRANSPARENT PPL WHO CREEP ME OUT

Just blocked someone for saying they hate popcorn. I ain't fuckin around today.

I'm going to eat peppermint candy for the next 19 days and that's just something my body is going to have to deal with.

Hey, I just got back from a Jonas Brothers concert in case anyone needed a reason for a hate crime.

lady gaga gives me whatever the opposite of a boner is

Your scalp tattoo really compliments your domestic violence record