There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

If you want to know what Paris Hilton's new single sounds like, just throw two rape whistles and a turd in Cuisinart.

Rihanna & Sting onstage together. Good to see her joined by a member of The Police without Chris Brown involved. #Grammy

"You've got kale!" -- Vegan AOL

HAHAHAHA just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked like when I make my cat pretend he's typing.

Just heard JJ Walker is directing Dancing with the Stars?

Owning a fish tank is basically like having to go home once a day to sprinkle confetti on the most boring channel of your TV.

Drake and Chris Brown fight is just Nickelodeon's version of Biggie and Tupac.

"Might I recommend not giving a shit" -- World's best therapist

Pretty sure all the Step Up movies are made by an intern with a studio credit card no one is keeping track of.

I bet the CEO of Etsy is an owl.

The fact that "Who is Paul McCartney" is trending really explains why Katy Perry is popular.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It's like, pick a side, babies.

Ohio just did a giant mic drop and walked off stage.

Was really hoping 'liking' Heinz Ketchup on Facebook would have paid off by now.

Remember when Instagram was down and none of us knew what a sunset looked like?

Fuck you if you give a 3 year-old a whistle.

I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany, if Tuscany was the break room of an Office Max.

Heard a girl today say over-plucked eyebrows are the "worst thing ever". I just thought, hope no one tells her what's going on in Syria.

I wonder if these bratty teenage girls standing next to me at this deli know their voices sound like bird rape.