With subpar graphics and no discernable plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played.

MY BOYFRIEND IS RUINING MY LIFE!!!!!!

Just kidding.

I don't have a life.

Or a boyfriend.

Current boyfriend prospects:

1. Guy standing on street corner zipping up his pants

2. My parents' cat

3. Sock puppet

4. Vodka

The blood is coming from INSIDE THE VAGINA!

The weatherman sounds like he's describing senior citizen porn: "Not much action going on--mild dry spells sprinkled with warm drizzle."

Q: How many Justin Biebers does it take to screw a Miley Cyrus?


A: TRICK QUESTION. RICKY MARTIN IS GAY

You incomplete me.

If Obama sees his shadow tomorrow, everyone will be given a unicorn. And a Macbook Pro. And winter will be illegal.

Look it up.

I just got sexually harassed by a five year old.

"LET ME SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

On route to work, I walked four blocks out of my way to buy peanut M&Ms. And gummy bears. And vodka.

THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE ABS

I save money on birth control by not shaving my legs for 5-10 weeks. #themoreyouknow

Guys. Have you EVER seen Lady Gaga and Dustin Hoffman in the same room at the same time??

I just blew your minds.

I am going to hell.

Because I just built a Michael Jackson scarecrow and put it in my roommate's bedroom.

It was worth it.

Little bunny Fou Fou,
hopping through the forest.
Picking up prescriptions,
and popping all the meds.

Knowing that someday Spencer Pratt will die assures me that eventually, everything will be ok.

Combining key words from past tweets to create the ULTIMATE TWEET:

"Weeping, the bacon Christ was naked on Vodka Monday AS USALLY"

UNICORN

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, wear a diaper and drive across the country to threaten them until they love you.

PRO-TIP: Do not ever test pepper spray in your closet. Don't test it ANYWHERE. It works. Just trust me on this one, guys.

If you text PAULYSHORE to 90990,the Red Cross will rescue the careers of every celebrity involved in the movie "Valentine's Day".

Summer is over.

R.I.P Shaving my legs.