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Thank god gay people can't legally marry each other and destroy the sanctity of what Kim Kardashian did.
When I wanted to adopt a rescue dog recently, they sent someone to my house first to make sure it was safe. Do they do that with guns?
Just shot a white guy outside of Walgreens cause he was wearing a Members Only jacket and sort of looked like Timothy McVeigh.
If you're under 25 and you're in public you should probably just shut your stupid mouth because whatever you're saying is garbage.
22 children in China attacked with a knife today, no deaths. Senseless violence can't be prevented. Gun violence can.
"Favorite" seems like a strong word. There should be a button that's more just "Hey, fun Tweet. This is fun. We're having fun."
You never wake up to stories about how someone with a bunch of guns saved lives. Fuck your second amendment.
Since The Rapture is supposed to happen on Saturday, it would be pretty funny if all the atheists hid from Christian people.
"Welcome to AA. First step is admitting you have a problem." -- Standard & Poor's, to America
So a racist delegate threw nuts at a black lady, Paul Ryan lied, Clint Eastwood's legacy was exploited and Mitt Romney's a robot. Good RNC!
I hate pretending to listen while other people talk. Just let me talk already! I want to talk about what you're talking about, but better.
Happy Birthday, Google. What do you get the website that already has all of your personal data, banking info and browsing history?
Telling Chik-Fil-A cashier her company has terrible values = bullying. Screaming at teens outside Planned Parenthood = spreading the gospel.
Gluten contains key nutrients that keep the brain from needing to constantly talk about gluten.
My favorite hunger game is trying to eat everything I order at Taco Bell drive-thru before I get to the next-closest Taco Bell.
If you don't feel isolated and estranged from everyone else at this point you really need to get a better phone.
Writer/Comedian/Host of @playbraindex
