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Thank god gay people can't legally marry each other and destroy the sanctity of what Kim Kardashian did.
If you're under 25 and you're in public you should probably just shut your stupid mouth because whatever you're saying is garbage.
When I wanted to adopt a rescue dog recently, they sent someone to my house first to make sure it was safe. Do they do that with guns?
Just shot a white guy outside of Walgreens cause he was wearing a Members Only jacket and sort of looked like Timothy McVeigh.
Just now realized that The Hunger Games: Catching Fire isn't some new Taco Bell late night menu.
When is Obama gonna thank us for accepting ALL THOSE EMAILS???
"Favorite" seems like a strong word. There should be a button that's more just "Hey, fun Tweet. This is fun. We're having fun."
22 children in China attacked with a knife today, no deaths. Senseless violence can't be prevented. Gun violence can.
"If poor people get sick, fuck 'em. If anyone tries to help them, shut it all down." - Jesus in The Bible
You never wake up to stories about how someone with a bunch of guns saved lives. Fuck your second amendment.
Since The Rapture is supposed to happen on Saturday, it would be pretty funny if all the atheists hid from Christian people.
"Lets all start wearing weird '90s mom jeans!" - girls now
"Welcome to AA. First step is admitting you have a problem." -- Standard & Poor's, to America
I hate pretending to listen while other people talk. Just let me talk already! I want to talk about what you're talking about, but better.
So a racist delegate threw nuts at a black lady, Paul Ryan lied, Clint Eastwood's legacy was exploited and Mitt Romney's a robot. Good RNC!
Writer's Block is a really pretentious way to say "the Internet".
Happy Birthday, Google. What do you get the website that already has all of your personal data, banking info and browsing history?
God created Adam & Chik-Fil-A, not Adam & Chik-Fil-Haaaaaaay.
Telling Chik-Fil-A cashier her company has terrible values = bullying. Screaming at teens outside Planned Parenthood = spreading the gospel.
The Romneys are an entire family of devastated Winklevoss Twins.
Co-Creator/Executive Producer of Comedy Central's @Midnight, Writer on Amazon's BETAS, Founder of http://BajillionHits.Biz