I bet cats would not post as many pictures of single women if the tables were turned.

C8<] Darth Vader /:-= Hitler %-) Ryan Gosling

Can't decide if I should get on Instagram or just smear fryer grease on my camera lens.

Breaking news: coach convicted of showering with boys sentenced to 3-6 decades of showering with men.

Getting up 30 minutes early makes me think I have enough leeway that I end up 10 minutes late.

Am I alone in finding the name Cracker Barrel completely appropriate to its' clientele?

I think the genre is called world music because "goofy background crap" was deemed commercially nonviable.

Thesaurus was definitely the most wedgied of all the thunder lizards.

#rejectedluckycharmsmarshmallowshapes is trending, which means thousands of people have posted that hashtag followed by genitalia.

...FIVE CONSPIRACIES / 4 pounds of lox / 3 Marx Brothers / two guilt trips / AND THE BLOOOOOD OF A CHRISTIAN BAAAABYYYYY!

I didn't watch that last episode of Entourage, but I assume it's about them all testing positive for genital warts.

I believe in paying it sideways, which often takes the form of throwing change out my car windows.

I don't have many followers because people can't handle tweets this hard-boiled and manly.

I'd like to start a dating site for people who aren't into hiking and travel because HOLY CRAP is it all these women talk about.

Do they sell car window stickers of Calvin peeing on car window stickers of Calvin peeing?

There are two kinds of comic books: 1.) adolescent male wish fulfillment 2.) other

Let's stop making snide comments about how Christina Aguilera & Kelly Clarkson are "fat" & concentrate on their terrible music.

I am one smart, handsome, humble man.

Healthy Choice is a Monsanto company and the punchlines write themselves.

Very impressive, overweight homeless people.