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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Someone told me to “have a great weekend” so I said “have a good weekend" to make sure I have a better weekend.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A girl has seen all of my outfits by the time we’re on our second date.
Whisper to a baby, “You’ll never remember this.”
I’d pay double for my groceries if the employees chanted my name while I shopped.
There's no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.
Scroll back to your oldest text conversation and write “sounds good.”
You know everything about the person who says “you don’t even know me.”
My friend didn't wear a tank top to Coachella and now he's dead.
It’s pretty amazing how a girl’s hair stays wet for three years after she showers.
There’s no non-creepy way to peer out your blinds.
If you say "people either love me or hate me" then it’s only the second one.
If you don't have any texts when a movie is over then you're basically an orphan.
Hidden in the Coachella lineup are five new Whole Foods items.
Thanks for shaking my hand with two hands, guy who thinks he's Gandhi.
I consider walking into traffic anytime someone walks next to me at the same pace.
No one is modest about their guacamole recipe.