Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?

It’s pretty amazing how a girl’s hair stays wet for three years after she showers.

Nothing makes me more optimistic than seeing an optimistic person have a complete meltdown.

There's no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.

I’m not sure what else people who say “don’t judge” expect me to do with my life.

The story behind every great 1970's drum solo is that the rest of the band just left to do blow.

Oscars rule: you must pronounce "unbelievable" as five separate words.

The internet could also be described as “white people born in the 80s writing about things from the 90s.”

If you roll your chapstick out more than an inch then we’re about done here.

Eye contact denied, anyone holding a clipboard.

Most girls escaping a fire would grab their laptops and peanut-butter.

All jackets are reversible if you don’t mind wearing an ugly jacket.

If you cough more than three times, people should be allowed to vote you out of the room.

We get it, girls with short hair. Okay no we don't.

It’s pretty crazy to think what the future of rollerblading may have in store for us.

Trip twice and it's a dance move.

If a girl doesn’t pose in a picture with a hand on her hip, does the picture even exist?

No one is rooting for you, guy riding his bike with no hands.

Nice weather delays my first complaint of the day by about 10 minutes.