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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
Whisper to a baby, “You’ll never remember this.”
A girl has seen all of my outfits by the time we’re on our second date.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
There's no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.
I’d pay double for my groceries if the employees chanted my name while I shopped.
Scroll back to your oldest text conversation and write “sounds good.”
It’s pretty amazing how a girl’s hair stays wet for three years after she showers.
Hidden in the Coachella lineup are five new Whole Foods items.
Good luck getting my attention if there’s a fish tank in the room.
If you don't have any texts when a movie is over then you're basically an orphan.
Facebook’s main demographic can be summed up as “people who liked signing yearbooks.”
I don’t believe anyone who says they understand how to play Minesweeper.
If you say "people either love me or hate me" then it’s only the second one.
I'm going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Thanks for shaking my hand with two hands, guy who thinks he's Gandhi.
How boring is your personality on a scale from 1 to eating celery as a snack?
I’m only getting out of this car if we open the doors in perfect unison like the guys in Entourage.
Writer/Director. SundanceTV, Billy on the Street, McSweeney's. Okay?