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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
A girl has seen all of my outfits by the time we’re on our second date.
It’s pretty amazing how a girl’s hair stays wet for three years after she showers.
There's no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.
Whisper to a baby, “You’ll never remember this.”
Good luck getting my attention if there’s a fish tank in the room.
I’d pay double for my groceries if the employees chanted my name while I shopped.
I don’t believe anyone who says they understand how to play Minesweeper.
I'm going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I’m convinced I’ve murdered someone any time I make brief eye contact with a cop.
I’m not changing how I dress just because the weather changes.
I want to be respected enough that people take out both earbuds to talk to me.
Nothing makes me more optimistic than seeing an optimistic person have a complete meltdown.
Bill Murray and I had a crazy night together, but of course, no one will ever believe me. http://thoughtcatalog.com/alex-mann/2013/12/12-insane-things-that-happened-on-my-night-out-with-bill-murray/ …
Thanks for shaking my hand with two hands, guy who thinks he's Gandhi.
If you roll your chapstick out more than an inch then we’re about done here.
Be an emoji for Halloween by entering people's conversations right when it gets awkward.
Writer/Director. Sundance Channel, Billy on the Street, Nickelodeon, McSweeney's, Someecards, BuzzFeed, Mad Magazine. Okay?