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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Someone told me to “have a great weekend” so I said “have a good weekend" to make sure I have a better weekend.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A girl has seen all of my outfits by the time we’re on our second date.
Whisper to a baby, “You’ll never remember this.”
There's no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.
I’d pay double for my groceries if the employees chanted my name while I shopped.
If you say "people either love me or hate me" then it’s only the second one.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you're saying while you brush your teeth.
Scroll back to your oldest text conversation and write “sounds good.”
If you don't have any texts when a movie is over then you're basically an orphan.
You know everything about the person who says “you don’t even know me.”
My friend didn't wear a tank top to Coachella and now he's dead.
It’s pretty amazing how a girl’s hair stays wet for three years after she showers.
There’s no non-creepy way to peer out your blinds.
I might start saying “new tab” instead of “anyway.”
Hidden in the Coachella lineup are five new Whole Foods items.
Thanks for shaking my hand with two hands, guy who thinks he's Gandhi.
Writer • Billy on the Street, The New Yorker, McSweeney's, Vice, Sundance.
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