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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A girl has seen all of my outfits by the time we’re on our second date.
Whisper to a baby, “You’ll never remember this.”
I’d pay double for my groceries if the employees chanted my name while I shopped.
There's no one less in-charge than a guy blowing a whistle.
Scroll back to your oldest text conversation and write “sounds good.”
You know everything about the person who says “you don’t even know me.”
It’s pretty amazing how a girl’s hair stays wet for three years after she showers.
There’s no non-creepy way to peer out your blinds.
If you don't have any texts when a movie is over then you're basically an orphan.
Hidden in the Coachella lineup are five new Whole Foods items.
Thanks for shaking my hand with two hands, guy who thinks he's Gandhi.
No one is modest about their guacamole recipe.
Good luck getting my attention if there’s a fish tank in the room.
Facebook’s main demographic can be summed up as “people who liked signing yearbooks.”
I don’t believe anyone who says they understand how to play Minesweeper.
If you say "people either love me or hate me" then it’s only the second one.