Capital Q is embarrassed that lowercase q has a bigger penis

"Did anybody save room for the big 'd-word'?" - easily misinterperatable thing the waitress at the next table just said

Based on my complete lack of knee-shaving skill after 10 years of practice I think I may just try to grow a cool mohawk there

Come over let's watch a movie = Come over let's watch 30 minutes of a movie and then I'll try to maul you

My dad and his posse are just grunting back and forth I think they are establishing the alpha

"Choose the bread of life or u r toast" - a church sign that just blew my world apart

A boy just tried to grind on me to The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Well the guy at Subway LOVED my hair color, MOM

Not trying to be up on a soapbox here but I live in poverty and all my furniture is soapboxes

Welp, another Saturday night, time to put on my sexiest lingerie and call Live Links while I roll seductively on my bed

Thank goodness for those three waves of feminism so girls whose major concern is finding a boyfriend can quote iconic women on social media

The coolest thing that happened today was when Shannen Doherty's Education Connection commercial got cut short by a different commercial

FML!!!! (Feed me lasagna)

If I have to look at one more fucking bird I will kill myself

Can someone explain Jerry Stiller's body to me

If your name is Pete and you own a pizzeria and it's not called "Pete's 'Za" then why bother living your life?

Apple sauce is fun if you like apples and predigested slime

It's like, hey, don't have a great dick then. “MT @buzzfeed: Jon Hamm Is Not Cool With His Privates Being A Topic Of Daily Conversation”

FEBREEZE: BARELY MASK THE STENCH OF YOUR ROTTING GARBAGE WITH THE SCENT OF FRESHLY LAUNDERED TOWELS

"Man, I feel like a woman" - cannibal in the mood for something light